Project Self Love: Be Kind to Your Body

I don’t want to be on top—there’s no hiding my belly pooch there! Yes, he’s going down on me! Oh no, I hope my vaj doesn’t smell weird! What—he already came? What about me? Ugh, I don’t want to get into a fight. If he asks, I’ll just pretend I came, too. 

How you think Makes the difference

If you’ve had any or all of these thoughts while having sex, you’re not alone. Most women struggle with body insecurities and the need to please their partner. Instead of focusing on your own sexual pleasure, you may only be thinking of how you look and how your partner feels—and that makes orgasms that much harder to come by.

Orgasm rights

But the truth is that you have just as much right to be sexually satisfied as your partner. You have the right to think of yourself and ask for what you want. You shouldn’t have to fake an orgasm or do anything just to stroke your partner’s ego.

The pleasure gap

So why do women do it? There are a lot of forces at play when it comes to the pleasure gap between men and women. Here, we talk about why you may think that way, how to change your mindset and appreciate your body, and how to get what you deserve—which is nothing less than sexual satisfaction.

Your body, your rules

How many times have you sucked in your stomach to fit into jeans? How many diets have you tried just to look like the women you see onscreen? How many times have you gritted your teeth through a bikini wax that you’d never get if not for your partner, who couldn’t even be bothered to trim his pubes for you?

For centuries now, society has conditioned women to look desirable—but not too desirable or you’ll be shamed for that. Subconsciously, you’re affected by what you see in media, porn, and even your own circle. All of these contribute to the pressure to look and play the part of a perfectly desirable woman.

It starts very early, in the primary school age in fact, according to body image expert and psychology professor Phillippa Diedrichs. Girls grow up to be more aware of their appearance than boys because “that’s the way they have currency in society.”

When your value depends on how other people see you, that extends to the bedroom. You end up focusing on how your partner sees you and how to please your partner, with little consideration for how you feel. It’s very difficult to shake off years of being conditioned to think this way, especially when you consider that this has been going on for generations.

But the fact is that every body is unique and beautiful in their own way—that’s how nature designed the human body. If it’s hard to let go of toxic thoughts about your body image, one thing that might help is to focus on what your body is naturally capable of. Aside from bodily functions that keep you alive and reproductive functions that allow you to have kids if you want them, your body was made for sexual pleasure. You only have to look at your clitoris to know that this is a fact of life.

Your clit is the only organ in the female body whose one and only purpose is to feel pleasure. Compared to men, the penis has many functions: pleasure, urination, and procreation. The tiny nub that most people know as the clitoris is just the tip of a larger structure shaped like a wishbone, with about two-thirds located inside. That tip alone has 8,000 nerve endings that make you feel pleasure—a tiny fraction of the penis but twice as sensitive!

The clit is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how the female body is made for sexual pleasure [link to erogenous zones article]. Think of it as a reminder of your unique beauty, your innate value, and your natural right to find sexual satisfaction, no matter how you look and no matter what society thinks.