You've covered all the basics, and now you're looking for more to keep you on the edge of your seat (or bed!). You want to figure out what you're into and what's going to give you more satisfaction than what you've already done before. Enter BDSM.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism. It elevates your play with a consensual power exchange that adds excitement to your bedroom fun. In BDSM, one partner usually plays a more dominant role during sex while the other plays a more submissive role.

The main categories of BDSM:

• Bondage: using restraints like ropes and handcuffs to limit your partner's movement
• Discipline: a dominant partner subjects a submissive partner to consented rules and punishments
• Dominance and Submission: the core of a BDSM partnership wherein a submissive partner conforms to a dominant partner's commands and desires. A "switch" is someone who can take on both a submissive and dominant role.
• Sadism and Masochism: a sadistic partner inflicts pain physically or emotionally –whether using equipment like whips or through humiliation–on a masochist who receives sexual gratification from the painful acts.

The categories above give a general overview of what BDSM is. There are different ways to approach BDSM and incorporate it into your play. Its numerous styles include power play, role-playing, pain play, bondage, wax play, edging, sensory deprivation, or humiliation. There is no single best way to practice it, and it's all up to how you and your partner get the most pleasure from what you do together.

A quick guide to partnered play

BDSM FOR BEGINNERS

If it's your first time hearing about BDSM and you're interested in trying it out, you might be wondering how to get started. A few common starting points for beginners to explore can be:

• Hair pulling: tugging at your partner's hair to inflict light pain.
• Bondage using a scarf or tie: limiting your partner's movement by tying or restraining your partner using items you can find in your bedroom like a tie or scarf.
• Blindfold: blocking your partner's vision using a blindfold. This sensory deprivation heightens your partner's senses during sex play.
• Spanking: striking your partner with your hand, a belt, or a paddle for sexual gratification.
• Role-playing: acting out a scene or fantasy agreed upon by you and your partner.
• Edging: bringing your partner close to orgasm, stopping, and repeating as much as you both like. Make your partner beg for more. This can intensify your partner's orgasm and prolong your bedroom fun.

If you need a little more help, some beginners choose to find a more experienced practitioner who can teach them how to safely do BDSM acts. If you prefer to ride solo in learning about this kinky new world, the internet is a vast space with video tutorials you can watch and other instructional material to elevate your play. Just make sure that you find a reliable source, as there are many websites that provide the wrong information about BDSM.

Must-know BDSM toys and equipment

Thinking of dipping your toes into this fascinating world? Learn your way around the playroom by familiarizing yourself with the toys that are often used by those who engage in BDSM activities.

BLINDFOLDS

Blindfolds can come in the form of opaque eye masks or tie-around fabrics that limit your vision. The lack of sight heightens your other senses during play.

BONDAGE ROPE

Use a bondage rope to tie your partner into a submissive position, tie them to the bed, or–if you're a pro–suspend them in the air.

BONDAGE TAPE

Bondage tape doesn't attach to any surface but itself, so it keeps your skin safe. Use it as a substitute for a mouth gag, handcuffs, shackles, and bondage rope.

CANDLES

BDSM candles are designed to melt at lower temperatures, so they don't damage your skin. Drip them onto your partner as part of your temperature play.

FLOGGERS

Floggers have several tails that are used to strike your partner or for sensation play or impact play.

HANDCUFFS AND ANKLECUFFS

These cuffs go around the wrists or ankles to restrict the sub's movement. Cuff your partner's hands behind the chair they're sitting on or to the bed and tease them as you please. When you use cuffs that require a key, make sure to be mindful of where you place them.

MOUTH GAGS

Mouth gags prevent your partner from speaking and making much sound when worn. With this kind of equipment that restricts verbal communication, agree on a way to express your chosen safeword prior to play.

NIPPLE CLAMPS

Nipple clamps squeeze and pinch your nipples according to the adjusted tightness of the clamps.

PADDLES

Paddles are used to strike your submissive partner with a flat surface. Grab a paddle for your next spanking session and go from light to intense spanking. Check in with your partner and make sure you hit "safe zone" areas of the body that cushion the impact of the paddle. These are the fleshy parts of the body, like the buttocks or thighs.

TICKLERS

A tickler has a slender handle with feathers at the end that you can brush against your partner to tickle them and tease their senses.

WHIP

Whips work by exciting your partner's nerves when you hit them. Always make sure you're only striking areas that are covered in fat and muscles, just like with the paddle.

The truth is that BDSM doesn't have to cost a fortune. It's acceptable to begin with whatever you have at home, like a tie or scarf. However, sex and bondage toys take your play to a whole new level. They bring a fresh kind of excitement to your bedroom experience and let you explore your sexual desires even more than toy-free sex.

The BDSM pro's basics

Edgeplay is the riskier end of the BDSM activity spectrum. Note that edgeplay is totally different from edging. Edging is a practice of controlling orgasm by bringing one to the point of near climax before stopping then starting again. Edgeplay, on the other hand, is any activity that challenges the conventional SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) scheme. Although everyone has a slightly different concept of edgeplay, it generally entails acts others would choose not to do because it poses the danger that someone could get hurt physically.

If you want to try out edgeplay, it's even more important to make sure that you and your partner set clear limits and are both tested for STIs. Here are a few suggestions for starters:

• Suspension bondage: your partner is suspended from one or more points in the ceiling. It's a riskier form of erotic bondage, so make sure you prepare. You can even include a spotter to help you get your suspended partner down, especially in case of an emergency.
• Voyeurism: watching others engage in sexual acts. Go to a sex party, attend a sexhibition, watch porn together, or video call someone–whatever all parties are comfortable with. Take inspiration from what you see or do your own thing while the others you watch get it on.
• Temperature play: using BDSM candles or glass / metal sex toys to play with different temperatures during sex. Light your BDSM candle and let the wax carefully drip onto your partner's body. You can also try dipping your glass or metal dildo in hot or very cold water.

These suggestions are for those who have an advanced level of experience in BDSM. For amateurs that want to try their hand at riskier BDSM acts, make sure you double up on research and practice to ensure that everyone involved is safe.

Sexpert advice

STAYING SAFE

Consent and safety are core parts of BDSM. In fact, its practitioners have adopted "safe, sane, and consensual," or SSC, as one of its mottos since the 1980s. This means that with all the activities to be undertaken, safety of the participants always comes first. Additionally, informed and enthusiastic mutual consent is expected. This is the reason why participants are discouraged from partaking in any BDSM activities when they are intoxicated. First, true and informed consent cannot be given if the participant is not sober. Secondly, BDSM activities carry with them some form of risk that becomes much greater when the participant is not working at full capacity.

Some practitioners prefer a code known as RACK. This stands for "risk-aware consensual kink." This code puts emphasis on the individual's responsibility to look after his or her own well-being by getting to know the risks involved in any of the activities. In short, if you decide to practice BDSM, you need to be responsible enough to do your research and establish your boundaries.

There is another code, PRICK, which is considered to be a variation of RACK. It stands for Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink. Again, the emphasis is on the individual's responsibility to learn and understand the risks of engaging in any BDSM activity in order to truly be able to give consent.

No matter which code you consider, it all boils down to the establishment of enthusiastic consent and clear boundaries. What can and can't be done should be discussed verbally or even through a written agreement, so you're on the same page. Sexual practices that are non-negotiable and off-limits to you and your partner are known as hard limits. Before any BDSM activity, include these when you discuss your boundaries because everyone has their preferences and dislikes.

BDSM can get intense. You can use a safe word if any one of you is uncomfortable and wants to rest, move on to something else, or stop the sex. One common way for you to express boundaries is the traffic light system, with each color conveying how the other person feels.

• Red to immediately stop what they're doing
• Yellow to slow down
• Green to keep going

AFTERCARE

Aftercare is an important part of any BDSM activity. This entails checking in with each other after a play session to ensure everyone involved is feeling good and relaxed about what happened. Because BDSM releases endorphins, partners might experience a "down" that aftercare can help cushion or prevent. It is often done by the dom for the sub and involves physical care for any bruises, scratches, or sore spots and emotional care like cuddling and having a conversation about the experience. Running a relaxing bath for the sub and helping them clean up is also a form of aftercare.

Frequently Asked Questions

HOW DO I PREPARE FOR BDSM SEX?

• Communicate: BDSM is about exploring your limits. It expands your boundaries rather than surpasses them. Because of this, it's important to communicate what you are willing to do and what's off the table for you and your partner. It's a two-way street of hearing each other's rules and respecting the boundaries that have been set. Marika Leila Roux, an expert on fetish and bondage, advises creating a personal risk profile that assesses your ability and willingness to take risks. The risk profile also assesses what you're comfortable with. This profile is crucial to RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).
• Get tested: Make safety a priority. Just because BDSM is all about thrill doesn't mean that you have to take too many risks in the process. Get tested for STIs with your partner. It shouldn't be a big deal to make sure you're both engaging in safe sex. It actually makes the sex better because you know you're safe in each other's company.
• Research: The internet is a rich resource for topics on BDSM. Tutorials in almost every form of media exist and are accessible with just the click of the "Search" button. Study up on the Do's and Don'ts of BDSM for a sexually enriching experience for you and your partner.
• Practice:Some BDSM acts can be complex so practice is a must. You can do it at home or go to in-person classes. Practice different techniques with a partner or by yourself. If you're studying how to do basic knots for bondage, you can even practice on yourself.

IS SEX NECESSARY FOR BDSM?

BDSM doesn't always involve or result in sex. Although pop culture and media has shown otherwise, BDSM itself is not connected to the act of having sex. According to sex expert Nadège, "BDSM is erotic and sexy, but engaging in BDSM does not mean you have to have sex."

If you and your partner are on the same page about having sex when practicing BDSM, then that's great, but you shouldn't feel pressure to engage in sexual intercourse. Nadège says, "BDSM is a way to bring fantasies to life and explore your sexuality or gender. If someone makes you feel like sex is mandatory, they are not an ethical person to play with."

CAN BDSM ENHANCE MY RELATIONSHIP?

Engaging in BDSM sex in a relationship can be fun. For many kink fans, it's a means of self-expression, an exercise of trust, or a place to live out dreams of domination, submission, and other deeper desires. BDSM sex can boost intimacy between partners.

Sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones says that BDSM has helped couples reignite passion within their relationships. It has aided couples in introducing a new power dynamic to their relationship and has helped individuals regain confidence in their sexual experiences.

Did you know?

BDSM toys and equipment are available in the Philippines — thanks to our sex shop! Here at NOTI.ph, we believe that all women should have the chance to explore their sexuality without guilt or stigma. That's why we aim to offer as many adult toys as possible, and that includes ones used specifically for kinky playtime.

If you want to check out our offerings, you can scroll up and find the famed toys under the "BDSM" catalog on our site.

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