What the vulva is— and what it is not
Vulvas are many things, but they are not your vagina. Here’s all there is to know (and love) about your second pair of lips.
They say she goes by many names— flower, pussy, cooch (or coochie), cupcake, cherry, oyster, purse, private parts, lady bits… and last but not least, the vagina.
One thing’s for sure, ladies: If you’re talking about what can be found between your legs, that’s certainly not your vagina. That’s your vulva.
Why does it matter so much what we call our own genitals? At first glance, it doesn’t seem worth our time to pick apart the terms. Correcting this misuse would even mean putting to rest fun nicknames like “vag” or “vajayjay.” And sadly, the art installation entitled The Great Wall of Vagina won’t sound so witty anymore.
Still, there’s a lot of value in telling it like it is underneath your panties. Getting to know your own vulva is the best way to uncover the truths of female sexual pleasure and well-being, after all.
No man’s land
How did we even end up confusing the vulva for our vagina in the first place?
To set things straight, the vulva is the visible part of the female genitalia. In other words, the whole shebang. The vagina (or at least its opening) is just a small part of that— it’s mostly hidden from view as the stretchy, muscular canal that leads to your cervix and uterus.
The word vulva came from the Latin word for “wrapper,” as in the womb that wraps around the embryo or fetus. We no longer use that definition today.
That’s probably not what your parents taught you when you were younger. Chances are, you were raised to think that the man’s penis and the woman’s vagina go together like longganisa and eggs. It doesn’t help that grade school science textbooks only discuss female sex organs in terms of reproduction and childbirth, where the vagina plays a big role. Just like that, the pleasure-seeking vulva is thrown out of the picture entirely.
And so you end up using the vagina to refer to pretty much everything going on “down there.” The rest is no man’s land, lost to fear and uncertainty.
Harriet Lerner, an American psychologist and feminist, expressed her concern about our difficulty in naming our own genitals. According to her, there are terrible consequences to mislabelling the vulva, since it’s effectively a denial of female sexuality and agency. She calls this the "psychic genital mutilation."
“Language can be as powerful and swift as the surgeon's knife,” Lerner earnestly wrote. “What is not named does not exist.”
Around these parts
But the female vulva does exist. It’s composed of several parts, and all of them are worthy of being named and described.
First, there’s the clitoris. Or more accurately, the glans or head of your clitoris. It’s much bigger than you think— it’s like the male penis, only extending 4 inches (10 cm) into our pelvis. And the best part? It’s the only one that exists solely for our sexual pleasure.
Then you have the labia or lips, the folds of skin that surround your vaginal opening and swell when they’re aroused. There are two layers: the labia majora (outer lips) and the labia minora (inner lips). There are women with larger outer lips than inner lips, and vice versa. Those lips don’t lie for sure!
The color of your labia can vary from pale pink to brownish black, and it can even darken once blood rushes to it while you’re turned on.
Your urethral opening is found just below your clit, and it’s where your urine is released. Below that, in turn, is the vaginal opening, from where menstrual blood or babies leave your body… and where your fingers, partner’s penis, or sex toys come in.
Finally, there’s the mons pubis, and as its name suggests, it’s the fleshy mound that cushions your pubic bone. To shave or not to shave the pubes? That’s entirely up to you, not your partner or other people you know.
All that being said, what should a “normal” vulva look like? The truth is, vulvas come in all shapes, sizes, or even shades. Some are symmetrical, while others are lopsided. And that’s perfectly alright. They’re just like women’s faces, each one with distinct features that make her worthy of appreciation.
Paying lip service
Even though there’s no such thing as a “perfect” vulva, a lot of women are made to feel ashamed of what theirs naturally looks like.
In a survey by Refinery29, half of the respondents (48%) admitted that they were concerned about their vulva’s appearance. Most of these women felt anxious about its size (64%), shape (60%), and color (30%). Their issues on body image stem from unrealistic expectations about the vulva in popular media.
No wonder many of them turn to labiaplasty, a surgery that alters the appearance of the vulva by reducing the length of the labia— all for the sake of getting a “designer vagina” (again with the misnomer). There’s been a surge of women going under the knife for it, alarmingly even among minors. As a result, labiaplasty has emerged as one of the fastest-growing types of cosmetic surgery in the world.
Then there’s also vaginal bleaching, which promises to make your vulva (not your vagina) more youthful and attractive by brightening it to match the rest of your skin. It’s a laundry list of lasers, peels, creams, serums, and other products that cannot be taken lightly. Women run the risk of side effects like infection or scarring.
This trend inspired illustrator and painter Hilde Atalanta to create what is now known as The Vulva Gallery, an online exhibit and educational platform that empowers women to share their stories and celebrate the diversity of the vulva.
Atalanta crafts each vulva portrait by hand before posting them on Instagram along with an inspiring message or a helpful tidbit about the lady bits.
What can you gain from starting a conversation about the female vulva?
- Instead of being an object of shame, the vulva becomes a subject of beauty in the midst of diversity. You’ll realize that vulvas vary in size, shape, color, pubic hair, or even skin conditions— making yours one of a kind.
- It promotes a positive language around female sexuality. By calling it what it is, you’re able to reclaim your own vulva from centuries of shame, censorship, and erasure.
- By normalizing this topic, you can educate yourself about your own anatomy and debunk myths that persist due to lack of knowledge.
- An improved genital self-image also contributes to overall body satisfaction, which brings about higher sexual function and better mental health.
Viva la vulva
It’s tough at times to cultivate a more positive attitude towards our vulva. After all, the societal myths and harmful prejudice contribute to a misguided perception that it’s a gross and ugly place. These ideas can be perpetuated for years before we even commit to unlearn them.
Where, then, can you begin to celebrate the vulva that’s uniquely ours? Here are a few ideas for livin’ la vida labia:
- Get her name right. Call a vulva a vulva, not a vagina. By doing so, you’ll be asserting that your genitals have a right to pleasure. The world is your oyster!
- Go downtown. You know where to find her, so why not pay her a visit? Take a handheld mirror and observe your own vulva with curiosity and awe.
- Play your part. Give your vulva a lot of love by stroking not just your clit but also your labia. Got some sex toys? Your coochie will be thrilled to play with them too!
- Put it mildly. Be gentle with your little purse. Many chemical substances and additives can irritate your vulva, so as a rule of thumb, just stay away from strong alcohol and fragrances.
Our vulvas are many things: They’re the visible part of our genitalia, the key to female sexual pleasure, the whole shebang. Pussy, coochie, or naughty bits— call her what you want. Just don’t call her your vagina. Your vulva is far more than that.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
WHAT IS THE VULVA AND WHERE CAN I FIND MINE?
The vulva is the visible part of the female genitals. You might know it better as your “pussy,” “flower,” or “coochie,” but really, it’s about time you call it by its real name. Find it right between your legs, then let your partner, fingers, or sex toys go downtown for your sexual pleasure!
WHAT DOES THE “NORMAL” VULVA LOOK LIKE?
You don’t have to feel as if your vulva is supposed to look like what you see in porn or other popular media. Vulvas come in all shapes, sizes, and even shades. Whatever yours looks like, it’s uniquely beautiful and always deserving of appreciation.
WHAT ARE THE PARTS OF THE VULVA?
First of all, you’d be finding the tip or head of the clitoris, which is your main sexual organ. Below it lies the labia, the folds of skin that surround the vaginal opening. If you’re feeling more adventurous, enter the backdoor through the anus to sexually stimulate its nerve endings too.
IS MY VULVA THE SAME AS MY VAGINA?
No. It’s easy to confuse the two since a lot of people say “vagina” when they mean “vulva,” but the vagina isn’t really the outside part of your naughty bits. It’s actually the muscular tube inside that leads to your cervix and uterus.
DO I NEED TO SHAVE MY PUBIC HAIR BEFORE HAVING SEX?
That’s entirely up to you! Shaving down there is a matter of personal preference, not based on what your partner or other people think. You don’t have to remove your pubes if you don’t want to. But when you do, always use an anti-irritation spray afterward.
WHAT IS A LABIAPLASTY AND WHEN IS IT NECESSARY?
Labiaplasty refers to the plastic surgery of the inner labia to make the vaginal opening look “narrower” or “tighter.” It tends to promote society’s image of a perfect vulva, but apart from rare medical reasons, there’s no need to think there’s something wrong with how our own vulva naturally looks like.
HOW ABOUT VAGINAL BLEACHING? DO I NEED IT TOO?
Vaginal bleaching promises to make your vulva more youthful and attractive by brightening it to match the rest of your skin. It’s a laundry list of lasers, peels, creams, serums, and other products that cannot be taken lightly. But it’s definitely not advisable; women run the risk of side effects like infection or scarring.
SHOULD I BE USING THE WORD “VULVA” MORE OFTEN?
Better not beat around the bush! Let’s call a vulva a vulva, not a vagina. Calling our genitals by name is one simple way of acknowledging that our sexual needs exist as an innate part of our identity. Why not start from there?
Female Sexuality GET STARTED HERE
THE BREAST
The female breasts - All the titillating things you need to know! Those lovely breasts are uniquely yours, and they don’t have to measure up to society’s standards to be called beautiful. Everyone is born with them. But when it comes to women, they suddenly turn very controversial. People want them to be hidden from view, yet we see them sexualized in popular media at every turn. Of course, these are none other than your breasts— the source of both sexuality and nourishment. People have very different perspectives on what it should look like. Are they too big or too small? Are you revealing too much or too little? Sadly, these questions have been taking a toll on women’s mental health, self-esteem, and confidence. One thing’s for sure: No matter what yours look like, we’re going to show you why they’re worthy of appreciation all the same. The bare essentials Before anything else, let’s look into what makes our bosom special. What role do our breasts play in our own bodies? Generally speaking, breasts refer to tissue found over any person’s chest muscles. But when it comes to women, they’re actually specialized glands with more fat, fibers, and connective tissue. This makes them capable of producing milk, thanks to the 15-20 ducts found underneath each nipple. Do you know that for lactating mothers, one breast can produce as much as 450 mL of milk daily? That's almost one liter of milk for a whole day! That’s barely all there is to know about our breasts, though. How society views them today has also been shaped by changes throughout history. In fact, they’ve been a hot topic as early as 98 BCE. That’s when the Roman chronicler Tacitus wrote that nobody in Germania bothered wearing a shirt unless it was time for battle, not even their female warriors. Since when did we start fussing over breasts as a symbol of femininity? Historians say it must have been at the turn of the 10th century in Iceland. Ironically, The Saga of the People of Laxardal showed how it was an exclusively female practice to display one’s nipples. But married men weren’t allowed to lessen their masculinity this way, or else it would be enough grounds for their wives to divorce them. By the 17th century, it became fashionable for court ladies and nobles to wear boned underbust corsets to draw attention to their bosom. They dared to bare their breasts to the public eye as a status symbol, all the way from the queens to the ordinary maidens and prostitutes. During the Renaissance period, affluent women often exposed their right breast in painted portraits as a symbol of vitality and fertility. However, what was previously stood as abundance was eventually frowned upon as carnal excess around the Victorian era. Only the lower class revealed their breasts at all. The rest of society became so conservative that even aristocratic mothers refused to breastfeed their own babies, choosing instead to hire wet nurses. The female breasts have since been treated as taboo in many most modern cultures where they have been hypersexualized. Everywhere we go, we’re told that it’s something that must be concealed, something to be ashamed of. But that’s beginning to change. We’re now gradually being open about the breasts— nipples and all— as we start to celebrate the female body. Breast wishes Unfortunately, just because the female breasts are coming into view doesn’t mean all is well. Even as they’re slowly gaining public acceptance, these parts of us are also subjected to unrealistic standards. Popular media nowadays place an overwhelming burden on women to have a round, perky pair of breasts. This idealized vision of our breasts is the supposedly the source of female sexuality on one hand and life-giving nourishment on the other. No wonder many women feel that their femininity is attached to these lumps of fat on their chests. Did you know that according to one survey, 7 out of 10 women reported being unhappy with their breast size? They thought their breasts are too small, too big, or too asymmetrical— never quite measuring up to the perfect pair. Sadly, this dissatisfaction has been the main driving force of negative self-image and lack of self-confidence among women. A recent study shows that large and uneven breasts can make teen girls more susceptible to low self-esteem and even eating disorders. All these statistics have led to some troubling effects. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons stresses that there’s been a whopping 70% jump in breast lifts and a 37% increase in breast augmentation since 2000. And when these surgeries go wrong, they lead to serious complications such as pain, bleeding, and infection. This is why we have to work towards busting (pun intended) those age-old myths. What do you need to know about your breasts to fully appreciate them? Female breasts are a source of both pleasure and nourishment. But just because these parts of us can be sexualized doesn’t mean we should be objectified. We have to take control of our own satisfaction. Most women don't have the ideal, perky breasts commonly portrayed in popular media. They come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. That’s why it's perfectly fine to celebrate the uniqueness of your own! Your femininity doesn't have to rise and fall with the size of your breasts. As a woman, you get to define what femininity is for you. Even women who lose a breast to cancer are no less attractive than women with intact breasts. Off your chest Now that we know a lot more about your breasts, it's time for us to get all the harmful prejudice off our chest and start appreciating the natural pair we were born with. How can you best show your breasts a little more love? Here are some fun ideas: Stroke of genius. Revel in the sensation of your own gentle hands! Let your fingers circle around your nipple gently to build up the tension. Full of wanderlust. In feeling yourself up, don't just stick to your own breasts. Roam around your other erogenous zones too, like your belly or coochie. Be on edge. Want to keep things steamy? Bring yourself to the edge, but pause right before the climax. Then pull back and let things heat up again. You'll have an earth-shattering orgasm at the end! Twice the spice. If you have a partner that's willing to explore these hills with you, then that’s great! Your partner can try licking, sucking, nibbling, and all those delicious things you can't do on your own. Get a toyfriend. To pick up the pace, you might like to add sex toys to the mix. Think vibrators and clamps. Even massage oils and ice would make things more exciting than your run-of-the-mill sex sesh. Regardless of what other people say about your breasts, breasts, titties, or whatever you prefer to call them, the most important thing is how you see them. After all, they’re erogenous zones with hundreds of nerve endings. They’re not made to pleasure men. They’re designed to pleasure you. Frequently asked questions (FAQs) SHOULD WE TREAT THE FEMALE BREASTS AS SEXUAL OR LIFE-GIVING? They’re honestly both. Female breasts are a source of nourishment for babies, as well as a source of pleasure for women. We’re not doing our bosom any favor by denying either of these truths! But just because these parts of us can be sexualized doesn’t mean we should be objectified. ARE DIFFERENTLY SIZED BREASTS NORMAL? It’s definitely normal to have differently sized breasts, just as our limbs aren’t symmetrical either. Some women’s breasts even have different cup sizes! The most important thing is that you’re able to accept the way they look as they are. Do consult your OB-GYN when your breasts change drastically though! IS IT NORMAL TO HAVE INVERTED NIPPLES? Breasts vary in shapes, sizes, and other distinctive features. Having inverted or retracted nipples may be just one of your quirks. Don’t worry about it though— it’s usually not something to be worried about when they’ve always appeared this way. But get them checked if your nipples retract or invert out of the blue. DOES BREAST SIZE REALLY MATTER? Around 7 out of 10 women feel unhappy about their breasts because they’re told that theirs are too big or too small. But our femininity doesn't have to rise and fall with the size of our breasts. As women, we get to define for ourselves what femininity is. WHY DO MY BREASTS HURT BEFORE MY PERIOD? Sometimes, when women are on their period, the hormones that are released by your brain can overstimulate your breast tissue, causing them to swell and feel sore. Painkillers can help make your breasts less tender to the touch, just as it helps with other menstrual symptoms. SHOULD I BE WORRIED ABOUT LUMPS ON MY BREASTS? Most of the lumps that develop on the breasts, especially around your period, are benign. That’s especially true for younger women like you. Then again, there’s no harm in having it checked by your OB-GYN for your peace of mind.
EROGENOUS ZONES
15 erogenous zones of the female body - How to keep in touch! Don’t know where to start? We’ve got a complete list of your sweet spots from head to toe. They say it’s all about the journey, not the destination. That nugget of wisdom also rings true when it comes to sex— if the electrifying climax is your finale, then there must be more to our bedtime action than stimulating your lady parts. Sure, your vulva and vagina are still essential to this breathtaking experience, but they’re not the only places that can drum up your anticipation. A woman like you can have at least a dozen other sweet spots throughout the body, each one yours for the taking. Ah, where to even begin? Not to worry! We’ll walk you through everything you need to know about erogenous zones: what they are, where to find them, and what to do when you get there. In the zone Why do some sensations make us feel good between the sheets, even when they don’t stimulate our lady parts? The answer lies in indulging our erogenous zones, the sweet spots that turn us on during the deed. They’re so sensitive that even the slightest touch at the right place is maddeningly pleasurable! And the tingles we get from this experience can drive us all the way from desire to orgasm in no time. The word erogenous comes from the Greek word eros which means “love” and the English suffix -genous which means “producing.” Does a little back massage ease most of your tiredness and tension? Maybe your excitement lies around your navel or near your thighs. You might even like it when your feet are teased. All these vary from person to person, so just go with whatever tickles your fancy! Yet personal as they may be, erogenous zones have also been influenced by cultures throughout time. For instance, Asians found the nape of their neck very erotic. Polynesians adorned their thighs with tattoos. European women went to great (and painful) lengths to cinch their waists in corsets as they paint their lips red. As it turns out, there really is more to female sexuality and desire than what’s between our legs. The pleasure hotspots The breasts, vulva, and vagina are some of our most commonly known erogenous zones since they’re packed with tons of nerve endings. But even some of your other body parts can be very responsive to touch, if only you try to engage them during your sexy time too. Don’t know where to start? Here’s a handy list of 15 erogenous zones that can be found in women like you, right from the top of your head to your toes: 1. SCALP It may not seem obvious, but gentle massage of your scalp can be part of indulgent foreplay. It contains a lot of nerve endings, so even a slight tug on your hair can go a long way. Allow your partner’s fingers to trail lightly on your head, especially while you two are sharing a moment in the shower. You’ll be surprised at how satisfying that sensation can be! 2. EARS Here’s the part where you get to be all ears: Just imagine your partner teasing a little by sending light breaths and whispering sweet nothings to you. Surely, it’d be a real delight to know what they plan to do to you next. How about having their tongue play with your earlobes in the most tantalizing ways? That’s where the real fun starts— you’ll be wanting more soon enough. 3. LIPS Don’t forget to give your own pair of lips the attention they need! You don’t have to be ashamed about your mouth getting all the action. After all, the art of lip-locking is essential not only for arousal but also for relationship building with your partner. So mix up the length and intensity of your smooches whenever you can! Kissing has a lot of health benefits, like relieving stress, soothing headaches, and even burning calories. 4. NECK Your neck is also a very sensitive part of your body, so it’s no surprise that it frequently comes up as part of the top picks among women. In fact, even those with spinal cord injury can be stimulated through their nape. Why not explore different variations of kisses and strokes with your partner? 5. ARMPITS The armpits are also quite erotic spots for some women, even though the very idea might seem strange to you at first. Your partner’s tongue and fingers— even soft objects like feathers— can tickle and titillate your senses in no time! What do tickles and foreplay have in common? They both light up your brain’s somatosensory cortex. 6. BREASTS Needless to say, your breasts are exquisite erogenous zones, no matter their size or shape. Do you know that stimulating them can pleasure your mind the same way your genitals do? Let your partner’s fingers and tongue tease you by circling your nipples before finally getting to them. If you like it rough, your partner can pinch your nipples or graze them with their teeth. 7. HANDS AND WRISTS Your hands and wrists may not be getting as much attention, but it’s about time they did. Your partner can kiss your wrists passionately while their fingers are intertwined with yours. Better yet, you can have your hands tied to the bedpost if you're into that kind of thing. 8. ABDOMEN The abdomen, especially the part closer to your genitals, can be your soft spot for arousal. All you have to do is trace circles around your navel before slowly heading downwards. That will certainly help build the sexual tension pretty quickly! 9. BACK We hope your partner’s got your back too! Because the nerves on the small of your back are connected to your pelvis, touching it almost feels just like stimulating your inner sexual organs. Your partner can use their lips or tongue, as well as objects like feathers and pinwheels, especially when you’re lying on your stomach. 10. VULVA The vulva, the visible part of your genitals, includes your primary sex organ, the clitoris. And it's just the tip of the iceberg! You can also find the mons pubis, the fleshy mound where our pubic hair grows. Massaging this will indirectly stimulate your clitoris too. 11. VAGINA The G-spot can be found roughly 1 to 2 inches up your vagina. All you have to do is insert a finger or two, then stroke the wall at the side of your belly. You might just gush with female ejaculation afterward! 12. BUTT Your butt contains a lot of nerve endings that you can stimulate for your pleasure. Why not try playing with butt plugs (and a generous helping of lube) to complete the experience? Knocking at your backdoor gives you a feeling of fullness that can make your sexual experience even more exhilarating. 13. THIGHS Your inner thighs are close enough to your lady bits to feel extremely sensitive too. That’s why it’s often a good idea for your partner to caress your inner thighs while they’re working on other parts— now that’s some expert multitasking! And the best part? They can even trail kisses from your thighs to your coochie when you’re already feeling wet down there. 14. BEHIND THE KNEES Just in case you didn’t know, there’s a tender spot to explore behind your knees! Try giving your partner unfettered access to it while you’re standing up or lying on your stomach, and it’d probably be an experience you’ll never forget! 15. FEET Last but definitely not least, the bottom of your feet can tickle your fancy in a multitude of ways. Your partner can massage them or even shower them with some light kisses. And if you ever want to take it further, they can even suck on each toe. It’s all up to you! Exploring every avenue If women have so many erogenous zones all over the body, why is there a lot of stigma surrounding the self-exploration of our own sexuality? As women who were brought up in a conservative Filipino culture, most of us have been taught to shun the very idea of sexual pleasure outside the context of marriage. We’re either held back by the influence of our parents or the pressure to conform to societal standards. In fact, according to a recent survey conducted by psychologist Elmer de Jose, almost 6 out of 10 Filipino adolescents aged 15-24 believe that only married couples should engage in sex. Almost half of the respondents also assert that a woman should be a virgin at the time. They frown upon pornography and female masturbation, even as they found male masturbation somewhat acceptable. Still, it's never too late for you to get past these prejudices and start discovering what turns you on without feeling guilty. What benefits are there in knowing your erogenous zones more intimately? Being familiar with your erogenous zones can help you perceive sex in terms of what feels good for you, and not merely what feels good for your partner. Women are sexual creatures too, and there’s nothing wrong with that! Stimulating various parts of your body can produce different hormones. For instance, your vagina triggers the release of feel-good hormones oxytocin and prolactin. Vasopressin also makes the clitoris more erect. When you communicate where and how you’d like to be touched, it helps to strengthen your relationship with your partner as you foster trust. Speaking your body language Now you know more about your erogenous zones and why they’re essential to your sexual experience, you might be wondering: Which is the best one you can count on to always deliver? Do all women get turned on in the same way? One Canadian study shows how your clitoris is still your most sensitive area, as it responds best to pressure and vibrations. When it comes to light touches, you can count on your neck, forearm, and labia to lead the way. Then again, it all boils down to your own personal preferences. Maybe your earlobes feel more sensitive than most. Do you like your feet and armpits getting tickled too? There’s nothing wrong with that! So how do we discover what feels good for us? Here are just a few ways to explore your own body and its pleasures: Turn yourself on. Don’t be shy— feel free to touch yourself in all those sweet spots to figure out what works for you. Masturbation is natural for everyone, not just for men! Keep in touch. Tell your partner what you liked best about your latest solo play. That's how you'll be able to get the most pleasure out of your next steamy session. Come to senses. Tired of the same old routine? Mix it up by incorporating some sensory play in your sexy time. Be adventurous with textures and temperatures, like sliding pinwheels or ice cubes down your back. Play with toys. You're never too old for some delightful playtime! Why not see for yourself all the NOTI items that you and your partner can enjoy between the sheets tonight? Slick back. Don't forget all about keeping it slick and smooth, either. Essential oils are handy for a sensual massage to get you in the mood. Plus, you can count on lube to give you a new, pleasurable sensation, even when you're not feeling dry down there. If you haven’t gotten it all figured out yet, don’t put too much pressure on yourself! At the end of the day, sex isn’t really about how many erogenous zones you can effectively tick off your list. The best pleasure of all is still in the journey you take to rediscover your own body and what it’s capable of feeling. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS AN EROGENOUS ZONE? Erogenous zones are parts of our body that are sensitive to touch and can produce a sexual response when stimulated. These sensations can drive us all the way from desire to arousal to orgasm. Parts of our genitals like the clitoris, labia, and vagina are good examples of erogenous zones. HOW MANY EROGENOUS ZONES DOES A WOMAN HAVE? The actual number of erogenous zones may vary from one woman to another, though we can generally agree on how some areas of our body experience more pleasure than others. We’ve listed down 15 common erogenous zones you can start exploring to see what works best for you! DO ALL WOMEN HAVE THE SAME EROGENOUS ZONES? Each woman experiences sexual pleasure differently, so what feels good for someone else might not work wonders for you. For instance, your feet could end up being too ticklish to be a source of arousal. Not every woman can also be stimulated through their G-spot alone. WHAT’S THE MOST SENSITIVE SPOT IN MY BODY? The clitoris remains to be the most sensitive part of the female body, especially since it has roughly 8,000 nerve endings. It doesn’t respond as much to light touches like your neck and forearm, but pressure and vibrations will certainly do the trick. HOW CAN I BEST STIMULATE MY EROGENOUS ZONES? Take the time to get to know your own body and its pleasures. Some body parts are better stimulated through light touches, others through vibrations or pressure. Discover what exactly turns you on during solo play. Don’t hesitate to incorporate sex toys, massage oils, and lube whenever possible!
CLITORIS
How to navigate your clitoris as the climax of female sexuality There’s more to this part than meets the eye, both literally and figuratively. You know what they say: If you want something so badly, you need to fake it till you make it. But that’s not a very sound advice when you’re lying frustrated in bed, and your male partner’s thrusting on top of you with a little too much gusto. You’re just not feeling it at all, no matter how hard you try. You’ve probably found yourself in this sticky situation because you’ve been taught that both men and women get orgasms from intercourse. That the sexual organ of men is the penis, while women have a vagina. But do you know that intercourse isn’t how most women achieve orgasm in the first place? In fact, the key to your sexual pleasure lies in another body part altogether: the clitoris. The ‘little hill’ Why should we pay more attention to this hooded figure? The clitoris, as it turns out, is the primary sex organ of women, and the only part of the human body whose purpose is to provide sexual pleasure. Its name may have come from the ancient Greek word kleitoris meaning “little hill,” but don’t you belittle it. The clitoris is roughly about four inches (10 cm) in length! If you think the clitoris is shaping up to be similar to the penis, you’re not mistaken. Studies show that both organs are made out of the same erectile tissue. It just so happens that one part develops externally while the other is mostly internal. So how did the clitoris end up being a small yet mysterious part of the female anatomy? It all started with the Greeks and the Romans, who treated the vagina as the passive counterpart of the phallus in the female body. They spread the belief that the clitoris was inferior or even an anomaly in “lesser” women because it had no role in childbearing. A long debate ensued throughout millennia, with men ironically leading the discussion. Matteo Realdo Colombo, an Italian anatomist, dubbed it “the seat of women’s delight.” Meanwhile, French anatomist Charles Estienne called it a “shameful member” in his findings. In a now-debunked claim, the Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud asserted that women who needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm were “immature.” As a result, the clitoris has been missing from diagrams of the female reproductive system for the past few centuries. It was only brought back to the picture thanks to urologist Helen O’Connell, who discovered and mapped its full anatomy in 1998. The mountain view Far from a little hill, the clitoris is a mountain that can take you to your climax. But how does this pleasure center look like in action? Much like the penis, the clitoris has three main parts for us to explore: the glans, the shaft, and the crura and bulbs. The glans or head is the only external part of the clitoris, which you probably recognize as that small knob down your nether regions. It’s covered by the clitoral hood, a flap of skin that can vary in size and shape on your vulva. Despite its size, the glans is extremely sensitive, so much that some women are uncomfortable with stimulating theirs directly. The clitoral glans alone packs a punch with 8,000 nerve endings. That’s twice the number found in the penis. Next is the shaft or the body, which connects the glans to the rest of the clitoris. This elongated structure also extends towards your pelvis and your pubic bone. At the other end of the shaft awaits a pair of long crura (clitoral legs) and round vestibular bulbs that surround the vagina. These tissues swell when you’re aroused, which is when you’d start feeling deliciously wet down there. And the best part is yet to come. Reaching your climax If experts know a great deal about the clitoris, why haven’t we learned about it in school? Sadly, the educational system has yet to keep up with the scientific progress in reproductive health. Standards in instructional materials still contain outdated lessons on female anatomy. We’re not seeing the whole picture of female sexuality in textbooks as a result. And this lack of knowledge is partly to blame why women are having 30% fewer orgasms than men. People simply didn’t know that the majority (73%) of women need or prefer clitoral stimulation in order to climax. The misunderstanding, however, can have more serious consequences. Female genital mutilation (FGM), the partial or total removal of the external parts of the clitoris, persists in more than 30 countries. Myths about the female genitalia and virginity continue to perpetuate this practice, only resulting in many complications for women. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that over 200 million women in Asia and Africa have lost part of their clitoris through FGM. Fortunately, conceptual artist Sophia Wallace has taken up the challenge to educate women about their own bodies. She founded ‘Cliteracy,’ a mixed-medium project that aims to present the clitoris as fundamental to the female orgasm. Through the use of black-and-white typography, she boldly asserts the clitoris’ right to being— both its right to exist free from harm and its right to sexual pleasure. So what are the benefits that you can get from being more cliterate? The clitoris becomes a key figure in your sexual encounters, which in turn can make for more sensual moments for you in the bedroom. It’s a much-needed reminder that your pleasure is just as important as your partner’s. Being intimately aware of your body’s natural sensations encourages you to celebrate your own sexuality, instead of being held back by guilt. You’re able to break past taboos to become more open-minded to new experiences. Knowing what feels pleasurable to your own body will help you communicate your sexual desires more effectively to your partner when you’re getting intimate. Not to mention, this empowers you to make well-informed sexual choices. A study demonstrates that a sense of psychological ownership of a body part plays an important role in how you experience pain. This implies that women who are more conscious of their clitoris are potentially less vulnerable to clitoral pain. At peak performance All that being said, what’s the best way to make the most out of our pleasure center? There’s no single answer to this question. After all, each woman is unique with her own sexual preferences and desires. The only way to discover yours is to explore your own body so you can realize its full potential. Unsure of where to start? Here are a few suggestions: Bare in mind. Whether you’re going at it solo or with a partner, make sure to get your head in the game. You can count on erotica to heat things up if you like. Do your own thing. Let your imagination run wild! Feel free to caress your clit using your own fingers, or let your partner’s fingers and tongue do the work. Clean objects can also stimulate you in the most tantalizing way. Why not try playing with sex toys? Different strokes for different folks. Go back and forth, side to side, or create circular motions. Just don’t forget to go gentle especially on your first try, then take note of all your favorites. Get saucy. There’s no harm in drizzling some lubricant over your clitoris, even when you’re not feeling dry down there. You’d be amazed at its deliriously good sensation. Now that you’ve learned a lot about your clitoris, you’re more empowered to experience the pleasure that your body is capable of. So the next time you do the deed with your partner, you can stop faking it and start making it happen. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS A CLITORIS? The clitoris is considered as the main sexual organ of the female body. With about 8,000 nerve endings, its sole purpose is to give women pleasure. Yet it remains a mystery to many, including women themselves! Think of it as the unsung hero of the female orgasm. WHAT DOES A CLITORIS LOOK LIKE? The glans, the part we usually label as our clitoris, is just the tip of the iceberg. The clitoris also has two legs called the crura, which can be as long as 5 inches. A pair of clitoral bulbs cradle the vaginal opening in between the crura. HOW IS A CLITORIS SIMILAR TO A PENIS? Aside from how clitorises are mostly internal and penises are external, the two are more similar than most people think. Both organs are made up of erectile tissue that expands when erect. The clitoris is even about 4 inches on average, similar to a non-erect penis. WHY HAVEN’T I LEARNED ABOUT THE CLITORIS IN SCHOOL? The full anatomy of the clitoris may have been discovered in 1998, but the educational system has yet to keep up with the scientific progress in reproductive health. Textbooks still show an incomplete diagram of the clitoris, if at all. That’s why teachers are unable to pass along this valuable information to students. WHAT IS FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION? Female genital mutilation (FGM) is the partial or total removal of the external parts of the clitoris. It results in physical, emotional, and psychological harm to women. Still, it persists in more than 30 countries, where myths about the female genitalia and virginity continue to perpetuate this practice. WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO STIMULATE THE CLITORIS? There’s no one best way to stimulate the clitoris. Women differ in how their nerve endings are positioned in their genitals, so you might prefer stimulating one side. We also have our own desires, erogenous zones, and turn-ons, so just explore what feels most pleasurable for you!
FEMALE SEXULAITY
The mind-blowing sexual wonders of the female brain The secret to breathtaking, toe-curling sex? It’s all in your head. To keep your sexy time blazing at night, you probably think you only need to focus on stimulating your genitals. A little tease here, a gentle tug there. You explore the most daring positions with your partner, but nothing seems to do the trick. Everything just seems too mechanical. Why does it feel like a part of you is holding back? Well, you might be forgetting about your most powerful sex organ— and it isn’t found between your legs. It’s your own brilliant mind, no less. And it needs to get in the mood too. Before getting down on it, listen closely to what’s between your ears… and prepare to be mind-blown. Light it up Why do we have to pay more attention to how our brain works? The human brain is the organ that controls all that we sense and experience in our everyday life. Of course, that includes our sexual pleasure. So whenever we get the tingle in our sensitive spots, all the nerves lead to our mind. Needless to say, this complex part of us goes commando whenever we have sex. And it does so with the help of two intermingling regions of our brain. First, there’s the amygdala, the almond-shaped area in our head that’s involved in processing our emotions. That means this nutty thing is oddly responsible for both fear and sexual arousal. In short, it makes a woman in heat act like a deer caught in the headlights— heart racing, blood pumping, and breath hitching! And then we have the nucleus accumbens, also known as our brain’s reward center. It gives us a ping whenever we experience pleasure so that we’d always want to get a second helping of a passionate moment. Another round of tonsil hockey, anyone? Not all parts of the brain light up whenever we get blissfully aroused, however. Jennifer Sweeton, Ph.D., an American psychologist, observed that two areas switch off in female minds during sex: one that controls our perception of social judgment, and the other that’s in charge of our own inhibition. Do you swear like a sailor? As per neuropsychologist and relationship expert Daryl Cioffi, dirty talk and curses light up the same area of your brain. What exactly makes good sex feel so irresistible? The answer lies in the exciting cocktail that our brain concocts when it gets the right signals. Here are some hormones you can get during happy hour: Oxytocin. Also known as “the love hormone,” it’s produced in your brain especially when your nipples get stimulated. This makes you crave more physical affection once you get wet down there! Dopamine. Expect a heady rush of dopamine whenever you’re swimming in desire and satisfaction. Since this is your feel-good hormone, it’ll make you want to go banging again and again! Norepinephrine. Is your heart beating faster yet? That must be the norepinephrine pumping throughout your system, making you giddy all over. Serotonin. If you’re feeling euphoric, that’s because you’re popping your body’s happy pill. You’ll be high on this when you achieve your Big O! Melatonin. You’ll be enveloped with a sense of calm after a steamy sesh. Plenty of time to hit the sack with your lovely partner, isn’t it? Thinking back If the female brain is also wired to indulge in physical desire, why can it be difficult for us to wrap our heads around our own sexuality? For the longest time, society believed men would have sex with anything that moves, while women are supposed to just take this lying down. This idea became so pervasive in the 19th century that even psychologists viewed female pleasure as “aberrant” or “psychotic.” They chalked up women’s sexual frustration to hysteria, which they dubbed as “the wandering womb.” Alfred Kinsey, the first American sexologist, conducted the first Kinsey survey in the 1940s to reveal more about female sexuality, including how it was normal for women to have “wet dreams.” Unfortunately, he still asserted in the 1950s that men are aroused more easily than women. Evolutionary psychologists thought these observations were fitting at the time. They reasoned that men are consumed by their urge to procreate, while women are more preoccupied with pregnancy, birth, and childcare. Of course, modern research has already disproved this notion. A study led by Hamid Noori in 2019 showed that women respond to sexual imagery just like men. As it turned out in MRI scans, our marvelous minds light up at the sight of porn too. A survey by Gina Ogden reveals that women can orgasm through erotic fantasies alone— 64% of respondents reported having this ability. So what’s made us believe that men are inherently more sexual than women at all? “Maybe... for the woman, there are secondary inhibitory effects that keep them away from expressing what they really feel,” Noori told The Guardian. The burning desire Indeed, Noori was onto something. Society still disapproves of us women exploring their own sexual desires, even in the comfort of our own minds. This stigma can make us disconnected from our own arousal. A scientific review illustrates how we might not realize what turns us on even when it’s right in front of our eyes. In fact, the women in the study didn’t think a sexual image “is” or “should be” arousing, despite their lady bits telling a different story. What a shame! Needless to say, it’s about time we move past these outdated beliefs and start believing that the female brain deserves to have some hot stuff too. What health benefits can our mind get from accepting this naked truth? These are just a few you might want to look into: Sex is good for your mental health! It’s been proven to decrease stress, anxiety, and depression for everyone, including women like you. The delicious sensations on your skin during sex also help ground your reality, which, in turn, makes you more mindful and appreciative of the present. Another hip hip hoo-ha for mental health! Let’s face it: There’s nothing like the healthy dose of melatonin in sex that can make you doze off like a baby in your partner’s arms. Ah, such bliss. Vaginal stimulation in particular doubles the pain threshold of women, because as it turned out, the “pleasure centers” in the brain block out pain during orgasm. Numerous studies show that sexually active women have a better memory than those who aren’t. Now that’s what you call a good mental exercise! Keeping in mind Female desire gets a lot of bad rap from conservative minds. No wonder it can be hard for us to embrace it as a natural part of us. Still, it’s worth working through centuries of unwarranted stigma so we can finally explore the real needs and pleasures of our own brain. What can we do to nurture a healthier mindset towards our sexuality? Here are some great ideas you can keep in mind: Warm it up. Try not to rush into doing the deed with your partner. Ease your beautiful brain into the sexy time ahead by relaxing yourself first. How about a nice, warm bath to tickle your senses? Eyes on the prize. Our lives can get so busy that we’re consumed by other thoughts even when we’re between the sheets. Catch yourself whenever your mind drifts off elsewhere! Talk dirty. Let your partner know just how bad you want it. Trust us, even your grunts, moans, and other delicious sounds in bed will work wonders. The right side of bed. Why not wake up and start your morning with a quick sesh? Count on the rush of hormones to get you through the busy day! At your pleasure. Remember that sex isn’t only about your partner’s sexual well-being— it’s also about yours. So don’t worry too much about satisfying your partner, and start voicing out what feels good for you too. Ready for some breathtaking, toe-curling action? Making your erotic fantasies a reality can be easier than you realize once you adopt a more sex-positive kind of thinking. Great sex is mind over matter, after all. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS OUR MOST POWERFUL SEXUAL ORGAN? Contrary to popular opinion, your most prominent sexual organ isn’t found between your legs. It’s actually the brain that lights up the most during your sexy time, and it even has the ability to induce orgasms in women without any physical touch. Mind over matter, ladies! WHY DOES SEX FEEL SO GOOD? Whenever we get down and dirty, the nerves in our clitoris, vagina, breasts, and other erogenous zones send signals to our brain, which in turn releases a delicious cocktail of feel-good hormones. Think oxytocin for affection and dopamine for pleasure, to name a few! DO MEN ACTUALLY DESIRE SEX MORE THAN WOMEN? While it’s true that on average, men think of sex more on a daily basis, this doesn’t mean that they crave it more than women, or that women aren’t “sexual creatures.” Women can be just as sexually active as men on their fertile days, and there’s no shame in that. WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF SEX FOR THE BRAIN? Sex is good for women’s health and well-being! Off the top of our head, it decreases stress, anxiety, and depression; develops mindfulness; promotes a good night’s sleep; increases your pain threshold; and improves your cognitive memory. What more can you ask for? HOW CAN WE EASE OURSELVES INTO MINDBLOWING SEX? There are a lot of ways for you to enjoy sex more, like prepping your brain for a great sesh, focusing on the present, and pretty much letting your freak flag fly. The bottom line is, you have to let go of your inhibitions and see where your fascinating mind can take you.
SEXUAL WELL BEING
Sexual well-being: How to embrace and take care of yourself Living in a state of sexual wellness is more than just achieving the next Big O. We live in a society where sex is sacred yet taboo— where nobody tells it as it is, even though it's just one click away. Fortunately, that’s starting to change. As we slowly recognize the importance of self-care, some people are also beginning to embrace sex as a natural part of our overall wellness. Why do we have to break the silence around our sexual well-being anyway? It’s important for us to understand that women, like men, have sexual needs and desires. And these are more than just about getting an orgasm, let alone pleasing our partner. To experience all the sexual pleasures that our life has to offer, we also have to examine our own self-esteem, relationships, and boundaries that define our moments between the sheets. All is well-being It’s a buzzword we hear thrown around pretty much everywhere, but what does it truly mean? Sexual well-being consists of your personal views and experience of your own sexuality. It’s shaped by your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and knowledge about the matter, as well as the relationships you form out of it. In other words, sexual well-being is more than just an act— it’s a way of life. People with a dull sex life tend to bury themselves in their work, which gives them even less time to get more action in the bedroom. According to the Global Advisory Board (GAB) for Sexual Health and Well-being, it has three essential parts: sexual health, sexual pleasure, and sexual rights. SEXUAL HEALTH Firstly, sexual health refers to the physical condition of your body, especially your sexual organs. It’s all about your body’s ability to engage in sex or even bear children if that’s your goal. Infections and diseases that compromise your health would certainly get in the way of your sexual experience as a whole. SEXUAL PLEASURE Then comes the part that's probably most familiar to you. Sexual pleasure is, simply put, the satisfaction you get out of erotic escapades, whether they’re solo or shared. Of course, a lot of it can be influenced by your sexual health. But more importantly, it goes hand in hand with your self-esteem and body image. It has a lot to do with how you relate your own sexuality to who you are. SEXUAL RIGHTS Last but not least are your sexual rights, which ground the context of both your sexual health and sexual pleasure. These remind you of your own integrity, that you’re in control of your own body. They also enable you to live true to your own gender identity and sexual orientation without fear of discrimination. Asserting your sexual rights is all about making the deed a positive experience for everyone involved. What do all of these mean for us women? It can be overwhelming to find ourselves stuck in a dilemma at some point in our sex lives. That’s precisely why we need to start working towards our sexual well-being in a more open-minded manner. Whether you’re thinking about having sex for the first time, exploring your sexual orientation, or choosing the best form of contraception for you, the most important part is for you to be able to decide for yourself. The sexy benefits Increased awareness about sexual well-being has raised our demand for products that improve our experience. In fact, a report by Research and Markets in Globe Newswire predicts that the global sexual wellness market is expected to be worth $64.6 billion by 2023, three years from now. That’s not to say that we no longer encounter problems. Social stigma is still one of the hurdles we must surpass to reap the rewards of a well-rounded sexual being. It’s all too common for us to hear from sources that overemphasize the risks of sex, such as unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). But all these overlook the many more benefits of being sexually active. So what can you get out of adopting a more positive sexual expression [7, 8]? Sex decreases the risk of cancer, especially breast cancer among women. You’d have oxytocin and DHEA, which are associated with arousal and orgasm, to thank for this health perk! There's a significant correlation between lack of enjoyment in sex and a history of heart attack. You're more likely to suffer heart problems without positive sexual well-being! Both solo and partner play increase satisfaction within a relationship altogether, especially among married partners. Increased sexual desire contributes to the overall wellness of women. A 2002 analysis of adults in their midlife showed that previous positive sexual experiences improved their quality of life throughout their later years. There's a positive correlation between a satisfying sex life and longevity. For instance, in one study, women who reported enjoying sex in the past lived longer than those who did not. With pleasure Just as sexual well-being covers a lot of aspects, we also need to apply holistic measures that can improve our experience in meaningful ways. It may not always be very easy to accomplish in a conservative country like ours, but we should never have to compromise our health, pleasure, and integrity. What can you do whenever you're engaging in any form of sexual activity? Here are some good ideas: Be your own person. You control your own body, so you must remember that nobody else can tell you what to do with it. Always feel free to make your own informed choices on gender identity, sexual orientation, and relationship preferences. Practice consent. All parties, including you, should actively agree that you want to be a part of it. You always have the right to revoke your consent at any point in time that the arrangement becomes uncomfortable for you. No means no! Have "the talk." Learn to discuss your thoughts and feelings with your partner, even outside the context of your sexy time! You’ll find this essential to understanding each other, especially within the context of a committed relationship. Play it safe. Be aware of your options for safe sex, such as condoms. These will prevent unwanted pregnancy or STDs. Also, have regular checkups to keep yourself and your partner ready to tumble! Sexual well-being is clearly more than just achieving the next Big O. At its core, it’s all about promoting female sexuality and allowing for a safe and enjoyable context for doing the deed. After all, wellness is all about allowing ourselves to enjoy the pleasures in life— just like sex. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS SEXUAL WELL-BEING, AND IS IT THE SAME THING AS SEXUAL HEALTH? Sexual well-being is the entirety of your personal views and experience on your own sexuality. It’s shaped by your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and knowledge about the matter, as well as the relationships you form. Sexual well-being is a way of life, and sexual health is only one part of it. WHAT ARE THE MAJOR COMPONENTS OF SEXUAL WELL-BEING? First, you have sexual health, which pertains to your body’s physical condition. Then there’s the sexual pleasure or satisfaction you get from every erotic encounter. Last but definitely not least, sexual rights exist to ensure that every sexual activity is a positive experience for everyone involved. WHAT WOULD A WOMAN WITH STRONG SEXUAL WELL-BEING BE LIKE? A woman with strong sexual well-being is someone who’s in a good physical condition. She has to be able to draw firm and healthy boundaries with her positive self-esteem. She also enjoys all of her sexual experiences, whether she’s going solo or sharing the fun with someone else. IS IT ALRIGHT FOR ME TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT COMMITMENT? It’s perfectly fine for you to look for a hookup or even friends with benefits, so long as this arrangement is clear and comfortable for you and the other party. Just don’t feel pressured to be in one if you don’t feel ready or safe enough. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR ME TO ENGAGE IN SAFE SEX? Safe sex protects the physical health of both you and your partner. It’ll protect you and your partner from bad consequences, like unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). You know how the popular saying goes: Better safe than sorry! WHAT ARE SOME GOOD WAYS FOR ME TO ESTABLISH MY SEXUAL BOUNDARIES? Communication is key. Be comfortable enough to talk with your partner about what you like and you don’t like, then work a safe arrangement for both of you. You can always revoke your consent when you want out— no means no! It’s your body, so nobody else can dictate what you can do with it.
SELF LOVE
Self love: How to define self-love beyond the instant gratification For all your money’s worth, there’s so much more to loving yourself than indulging in impractical habits. It’s the end of a long week. You feel extinguished like a candle burned at both ends. So you decide to take a break by plopping down your sofa and turning the TV on. That ought to get you fired up again for another Monday... or at least that’s what they say. As you yawn through a chick flick, you can’t help but wish that you could just chill. Find solace in your heaping platter of comfort food. Or maybe you’ll just have to dream of a holiday on some faraway island to escape your problems completely. Yet here you are, sighing in resignation despite your best efforts. Your headache still looms like the deadline you’re trying to forget. You feel absolutely fucked, and not even in a good way. The internet tells you that self-love is a ritualistic way of treating yourself: cooking something other than your usual instant noodles, splurging on luxurious items, and telling yourself that you are worth so much more. But is this really all that self-love is cut out to be? Mind over matter If it’s not about binging on your favorite television shows and comfort food, what does it truly mean to love yourself? Self-love, for all its worth, is simply our mindfulness of who we are, what we need, and we can improve on. It’s about accepting our faults as we fully embrace our sense of values and integrity. We familiarize ourselves with our natural rhythm through a gradual, lifelong process. We recognize our limits, but we also see opportunities to push ourselves outside our comfort zone. Self-love teaches us resilience, nurturing our strengths to eventually become better versions of ourselves. Self-love certainly isn’t a new, unfamiliar term for many. In fact, it’s probably a word that gets thrown around almost as often as bath bombs. Yet people associate it too much only with binging on comfort food and cutting off the world for a few hours of alone time. They surely contribute to a better sense of personal well-being up to a certain extent. But these activities can’t be held as the be-all and end-all of self-love. This attitude turns the quest for self-love into an unhealthy pursuit of perfection. You’re always on the lookout for shiny and new objects. Then what starts as a desire for affection quickly warps into something obsessive. Do you know that perfection is bad for your health? In fact, it’s just as harmful as smoking or obesity. You end up measuring yourself against increasingly ridiculous standards. You need more clothes to match the trends for the new season. You must spend more on that new coffee place on the way to work. You want another facial because you have to be more attractive. You have to jog more on that hedonic treadmill for a sexier you. These ambitions are anchored on an all too familiar mantra: “You deserve it.” While this soundbite isn’t problematic on its own, it’s emerged as a justification for poor band-aid solutions. And not surprisingly, they don’t do much at all to improve your well-being. Force of habit You may not know it, but you might be constantly getting wired to develop habits that keep you hooked on instant gratification. Each new purchase conveniently lets you set aside your deeper need for introspection and self-actualization. But you don’t have to express your appreciation for yourself as a luxury that only those with more income or extra time on their hands can afford. That’s because the goal of self-love is to extend the same kind of compassion that you usually give to others towards yourself. It’s not to place yourself on a pedestal, making lavish offerings and expecting others to follow suit. Despite its name, self-love benefits not only you. It can also affect your relationships with your family, friends, workmates, and significant other. What are some of the positive effects of self-love? Knowing yourself at a deeper level would allow you to better listen to your body and its needs. You’ll be more intentional about what you eat, how you work, and how much sleep you get. Self-love makes you ready and able to create deeper and more lasting relationships. People with a weak sense of self often fear intimacy and sabotage themselves as a result. It also helps you regulate emotions better. In a 2018 study, psychologist Tiffany Gomez established that women’s self-esteem is strongly associated with how they are able to evaluate their feelings. Cultivating better habits for yourself can increase your sense of meaning in life, which then brings you more happiness and contentment overall. Treat yourself better It’s easier said than done going from repeating impractical habits to having a flourishing relationship with yourself. But it’s not an impossible journey. Even little steps when made consistently will bring you to your destination. Here are three psychological disciplines that can equip you with the right tools into building a healthier relationship with yourself: SELF-COMPASSION We often see self-love as a conditional liking to the person that we are. That’s how we end up constantly pitting ourselves against unrealistic standards. When we do something right, we reward ourselves. When something doesn’t go according to plan, we readily blame ourselves by taking our self-compassion away. Rather than acknowledging how we feel, we look for reasons— as if we can find an explanation for our sadness in faults that we have to fix to feel better again. “Self-kindness entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than flagellating ourselves with self-criticism,” Profs. Neff and Germer wrote. MINDFULNESS Finding its roots in Buddhism, mindfulness is a practice of letting ourselves become gently aware of whatever thoughts and feelings we are experiencing. We don’t form judgments about them or commit to them. We simply observe and accept that they are there. Once you’ve picked up the art of self-love, it’s less likely that inconveniences and the emotions that come with them will trip you up. We can easily go straight to thinking, “I’m stupid and that’s why I didn’t make the deadline,” when we refuse to process the emotion, “I’m tired and burnt out.” It’s easier to claim temporary emotions, such as, “I feel insecure. I feel lonely. I feel jealous,” instead of self-deprecating thoughts that can leave long-term scars on our self-image and confidence. All emotions are valid and should be acknowledged, but we need to learn to not equate our emotions with our reactions. It’s alright to feel down from time to time, so long as we don’t let this lead to developing unhealthy behaviors such as self-harm. SELF-CONCEPT Self-esteem is something that many of us struggle with, especially in the digital era where everyone is constantly curating a flawless version of themselves on their profiles. It’s easy to get lost comparing yourself with the idealized images of celebrities, your friends, and even the persona you want to portray online. The best way that we can get a hold on our self-worth is to base it on what social psychologists call self-concept, a mental image of ourselves that is reasonably realistic. As paradoxical as it sounds, we become happier with ourselves when we accept our own weaknesses, strengths, and values. We find it easier to live with ourselves when we trust our own sense of identity and integrity, rather than constantly worrying about how others expect us to act. It can be tempting to shove our shortcomings at the back of the closet. However, they end up accumulating as emotional baggage that holds us back in the long run. When we deny ourselves our own humanity, we end up being in constant conflict with ourselves and our real experiences. A healthy self-concept doesn’t guarantee that we’d be invincible at the face of problems, but it does provide us with a stable foundation of self-respect to lean on. Love is something that all human beings need. But first and foremost, the person that should be giving it to you is yourself. A constant companion should be a compassionate companion. With constant practice, you too can nurture a dynamic and healthy relationship with yourself. And you don’t have to binge on a lot of television shows and comfort food to get there. At the end of it all, self-love isn’t about treating yourself more— it’s about treating yourself better. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS SELF-LOVE? Self-love, for all its worth, is simply our mindfulness of who we are, what we need, and we can improve on. It’s about accepting our faults as we fully embrace our sense of values and integrity. It’s your ability to recognize our limits, while also seeing opportunities to push yourself outside your comfort zone. DO I HAVE TO SPEND MORE TO LOVE MYSELF MORE? Self-love shouldn’t be an unhealthy pursuit of perfection, nor should it make you pit yourself against unrealistic standards. It should be about learning to accept yourself for who you truly are, flaws and all. In the end, self-love isn’t about treating yourself more— it’s about treating yourself better. HOW DO I KNOW IF MY SELF-LOVE NEEDS IMPROVEMENT? You constantly find yourself going after more things: new clothes, new drinks, new skincare trends, or new fitness memberships. If you tend to run away from your problems instead of facing them, perhaps it’s time for you to gently reevaluate yourself and address your issues. HOW DO I BECOME MORE COMPASSIONATE TO MYSELF? Each time you make a mistake, try not to be too harsh to yourself. Treat yourself as you would any close friend or even a child. Extending this kindness to your own self will encourage you to assess the situation more objectively and work on ways to do better next time. WHAT CAN I DO TO BE MORE MINDFUL OF MY OWN THOUGHTS? Be honest, and check with yourself especially when you’re not in a good mental state. Allow yourself to feel negative emotions, such as sadness or even frustration. It’s alright to feel down from time to time, so long as you don’t let this lead to developing unhealthy behaviors such as self-harm. WHAT DOES IT TRULY MEAN TO KNOW YOUR OWN SELF? You have to develop a mental image of yourself that is reasonably realistic. As paradoxical as it sounds, you can only be happier with yourself when you accept your own weaknesses, strengths, and values. You’ll find it easier to live with yourself when you trust your own sense of identity and integrity.
BODY IMAGE
The understated beauty of having a positive body image Set your sights on a more beautiful and empowered you. Whenever you look in a mirror, are there things you want to change about what you see? You might be insecure about your weight, the excess fat on your stomach, your thick thighs, or some other part of your body. If you feel like this about yourself, you’re not alone. Body image issues are now more common especially among younger women, who are most swayed by popular media. According to psychologist Heather R. Gallivan, about 4 out of 5 women admit that they don’t like how they look. But just because it’s how things are doesn’t mean it’s how things should be. Do we really have to change what we look like to be happier and more confident? Or is there something else entirely that needs to change? Reflecting on body image What do we really see when we look at our reflection in the mirror? Body image doesn’t have much to do with our actual weight, height, or shape. Instead, it’s about how we think and feel about our appearance. And this picture we create in our heads? It’s subjective— strongly influenced by what we hear from our family, friends, and society. While anyone can suffer from a negative body image, this problem is actually more widespread among women. However, lesbian women are less likely to be swayed by such feelings than heterosexual and bisexual women. But the truth is, beauty standards the world teaches us aren’t even as objective or consistent as you think. It would only take three minutes for you to watch “Women's Ideal Body Types Throughout History” and realize that throughout three millennia, humankind has placed a diverse set of figures on a pedestal in various cultures. And why look further when we can see this in our own country’s culture? A Cut episode of the Philippines’ “100 years of beauty in 1 Minute” features how our standards have been influenced by Spanish, American, Japanese, and Korean influences mixing with our own through the decades. Women’s bodies come in all shapes and sizes. To find beauty in diversity, we must learn to admire each and every physique, including our own. As it turns out, the “ideal” female body is a myth. So instead of running after beauty trends that change year after year, why can’t we stop and accept the way we are now? Smoke and mirrors While the image of perfection has always changed as time passes by, the societal pressure on women to look picture perfect has remained constant. In this day and age, you’re probably used to seeing this era’s “It Girl” through both traditional and digital media. We’re constantly bombarded by photos of female celebrities maintaining a youthful face and supple skin way past their prime. Or updates of female influencers promoting the latest diet fad or exercise routine. The messages you’ve been getting are more confusing than ever: be skinny but healthy, and have large breasts and backside with a toned stomach. It’s hardly fair for most women. Truth be told, the weight criterion alone has become so hard to attain that it could only be achieved by less than 5% of the female population. The media rarely shows us the plastic surgery or photo manipulation required to meet these crazy standards. The scientific consensus points towards how these messages frequently bring about body image dissatisfaction. And yet, they are just coming from corporations who tell us we’re not enough because they want to sell us something— clothes, skincare, or other products that take advantage of our insecurities. As a woman, you get to control your own body and self-worth. Don’t let society dictate what you should look like or how you should act to be liked. This is how society can alter the perception of women, which is why you end up frowning at your reflection in despair. But you’ve been gazing at smoke and mirrors all along. Why is it so important to develop a positive body image in spite of what the media tells us? Body satisfaction makes you less vulnerable to mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. A positive body image brings about your emotional well-being, since self-esteem is the biggest predictor of body satisfaction. Body satisfaction would also mean a higher sexual function, which means better sex and more orgasms for you. A Canadian research found that women with a negative body image had difficulty achieving arousal and orgasm. It’s never too late to change the way you see yourself. No matter what others might think, all women are beautiful in every shape and form. We should be free to love our bodies the way they are and enjoy sexual pleasure the way we want. Thinking body positive The time has come for us to rethink the way we look at ourselves in the mirror. Women of all shapes and sizes are worthy of appreciation. So instead of wanting to change what you don’t like, you can start by embracing who you truly are as a person. Body positivity is all about understanding your own worth, caring for your body, and not punishing yourself for not looking a certain way. It’s also being more comfortable in your own skin, despite other people’s opinions. Women who don’t like their own naked body will find it difficult to get intimate with someone else. Be kinder to your reflection. Nurture your body knowing that you are deserving of love. When you appreciate even the changes in your appearance through the years, you will be able to deepen your relationship with your partner and, more importantly, yourself. So what are some small things you can do to appreciate your own silhouette? Get your body moving. Cherish the moments when you run, laugh, sing, dance, or dream. Your body may not look “perfect” doing these things, but you can still be grateful for how it helps you achieve your daily goals. Reframe the big picture. Mainstream media often has its own ideas of what it means to look beautiful. How about discussing this with your friends? You’d surely discover how much these images and messages are far off from reality. Make a list. Write down everything that you like about your body. Have your trusted friend or partner help out if you like, so you can go back to the list every time you need the motivation. Find your role models. Surround yourself with influencers who have a body shape or type similar to yours. One Instagram experiment demonstrates how women felt instantly better about themselves right after viewing body-positive posts. Sexy you around. Being comfortable in your own skin also involves wearing what makes you feel good about your body. Sexy lingerie isn’t off-limits at all—there’s always one that suits every body type! Unlearning your negative thoughts and feelings about your own body may be difficult, but it’s not impossible. After all, body positivity is about challenging society’s narrow assumptions to adopt a more inclusive idea of beauty— one that includes the woman you see in the mirror. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) What is body image? Body image is how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror. This can include what you think about your height, weight, and other aspects of your physical appearance. What people say about you or other societal expectations can also affect how comfortable you are in your own skin. Why is it important for women to have a positive body image? A positive body image promotes good physical and mental health among women. That’s because having good thoughts and feelings about yourself makes you less likely to develop anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other forms of mental illness. It also enables you to develop a healthy lifestyle for a confidence and self-esteem boost. What are the causes of negative body image? Scientists cannot pinpoint a single cause, but there are several factors that can make you prone to developing a negative body image. These include being overweight or underweight, getting bullied for your appearance, and absorbing unhealthy images or messages about “ideal” body types from the media. Are women more likely to have a negative body image? Unfortunately, yes. Studies show that while all genders can suffer from body dissatisfaction, women tend to be least happy about their appearance, regardless of age or ethnicity. Experts say that this is mostly due to the unrealistic portrayals of women across all forms of media. How can I have sex with my partner when I'm not confident with my body? Sex is more than just a physical activity. The emotional connection you share should make you attractive and desirable no matter how you look, so don’t sweat it! More than anything else, sex is only one way for you to show your love and appreciation for each other. What can I do to improve my body image? There are many things you can do to improve your body image. However, it all boils down to accepting your own body and listening to voices of encouragement. These won’t instantly get rid of your negative thoughts, but they’d help you develop healthier thought patterns towards a positive body image. What if my partner doesn't like the way I look? You have to voice out your concerns when your partner makes you feel bad about your body. Talk to them about how you’re currently working on accepting yourself and that they should be willing to help you in this process. If nothing changes, then it’s probably time to reconsider your relationship.
Female Orgasm GET STARTED HERE
FEMALE MASTURBATION
How we can master the art of female masturbation This touchy subject has long been the stuff of men’s locker room talk, but it’s about time we ladies talked about it too. It’s no secret that men masturbate a lot. So often, in fact, that in our modern culture it’s regarded as a normal (if not essential) part of masculinity itself. Many people simply accept masturbation as “the boys’ ritual”— a rite of passage in adolescence, and then a manifestation of male virility for decades to follow. While we’re tolerant or even encouraging of guys jerking off, our society isn’t as considerate to women. From an early age, we girls are taught to keep our hands off the private parts. Touching ourselves for pleasure is quickly deemed unladylike. If you’ve been on a dating app, you’ve probably seen at least one guy declare: “Girls shouldn’t get off themselves. That’s just a turn-off.” Masturbation is already a touchy subject as it is, and it's bad enough that we think of it so much as a guy thing. We don't openly discuss it as females, even as evidence suggests that women masturbate just as much, if not more frequently, than men. To spark a healthier and more open-minded conversation about this undeniable reality, we need to educate ourselves about it. Here’s all you need to know about female masturbation… and why you deserve to give yourself a helping hand too. A nice, feminine touch When you hear the word masturbation, the first image that probably comes to mind is that of a man messily relieving himself, hoping he wouldn’t get caught. After all, we’ve all had that encounter with that one guy who shamelessly trumpets his bawdy escapades led by his right (or left) hand. Our own “me time,” on the other hand, remains carefully tucked away in layers of silence and wariness. Yet female masturbation is just as we’ve always done it in the dark. It’s how we stimulate our own genitals— stroking or rubbing our clitoris, inserting a finger or two up our vagina— until we reach orgasm. You can also do this in various positions, like lying on your back or stomach, sitting, squatting, kneeling, or standing. When you're in the shower, you can even find it pleasurable to direct the water jets of your showerhead toward your vulva. Then there are women who enjoy straddling a pillow, some scrunched-up fabric, corners of furniture (not too sharp, we hope) against their own clothing. A multitude of sex toys such as vibrators, dildos, and Kegel balls are available to assist women in masturbating. Not to mention, you can opt for lube to let your experience go much smoother. According to The Kinsey Institute, more than half of female respondents aged 18-49 said that they masturbate at least once every 3 months, regardless of whether they’re single. But even as they’re open to the idea of self-pleasure, guilt still gets in the way: Women are hesitant to tell others that they do it at all. Sweden coined klittra, a new local term for female masturbation, so women won't get ashamed of the male connotations of the word masturbation. Evidently, masturbation is still dripping with a sticky undertone of being primal, carnal, and brutish. These are words that could only affirm a guy’s manhood but would sooner tear down a woman’s reputation. No wonder admitting to masturbating still feels like getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar… just as you’ve convinced everyone that you’ve been religiously following your gluten-free diet. Hand of history Has female masturbation always been seen in a negative light? Not quite. While humanity has been more fixated on the male variety, even some early civilizations sang praises to women’s self-pleasure as an art form. Here's a quick rubdown of how female masturbation throughout the centuries: SET IN STONE This story starts 30,000 years ago in Germany where somehow, there's at least one woman who thought that it'd feel great to pleasure herself with a shiny stone dildo. To date, it's the oldest sexy artifact that we've discovered yet. It would seem that female masturbation was already a thing of the past… if you get what we mean. AS THE ROMANS DO Women in ancient Greece also had a great grasp on their satisfaction. It was a common belief at the time that women should be able to orgasm just like men in order to get knocked up. That's why they were encouraged to pleasure themselves for the benefit of humanity. In fact, there are even images of women masturbating, and these artifacts even showed just how the Greeks did it: buying leather or wooden dildos called olisbos. The female Romans that came after them weren't shy about masturbation, either. In fact, archaeologists have uncovered erotica on the walls of Pompeii that show just how they enjoy their own company. WILDEST DREAMS Heading further down south, the Egyptians aren't the type to miss out on these pleasures. In fact, they even took it up a notch. You could say that they venerated masturbation so much since their god Atum created the entire world in a wank. In true Egyptian fashion, Cleopatra followed suit as their sultry pharaoh. Even though she had many suitors, including the infamous Mark Antony, she also had her fair share of solo play. Legend has it that she created the first vibrator in written history by filling a gourd with bees. You think that's wild? Wait till you hear how she had a thing for rattlesnakes... at least until she died from the bite of her own asp. GOING HYSTERICAL Although many people widely condemned the act of masturbation, experts of the Victorian Era believed that “hysterical paroxysm” (read: orgasm) was the only deterrent to a psychological illness that manifested itself in shortness of breath, insomnia, nervousness, and muscle spasms. In response, the doctors administered regular doses of “pelvic massages” to women so they wouldn’t succumb to their hysteria or pent-up sexual tension. As they say, necessity is the mother of invention. Yet what gave birth to vibrators was how men thought they had better things to do than give their clients or partners pleasure. Masturbation was put in the hands of women once again, this time in the form hand-cranks brought by the 1890s. STEAMY LOVE AFFAIR When they tell you to “get a room,” they probably didn’t have the Manipulator in mind. As the world’s first steam-powered vibrator, this sex machine was literally built by the American doctor George Taylor to occupy your backroom. But this engine wasn’t packed with a lot of power just yet— it would take at least an hour to induce a hysterical paroxysm at all. That was soon followed by a less bulky model, though it needed a 40-pound battery to take you to pound town in 5 minutes. Still, it wasn’t until the 1900s that girls started to take home their own vibes. Hamilton Beech made an electric-powered one in 1902 that was introduced as an essential household appliance. The vibrator is the fifth household appliance that was manufactured en masse electrically, even before the vacuum cleaner was invented. Unfortunately, this product didn’t last long in the market. This vibrator disappeared soon after the porn industry got ahold of it; women no longer wanted to associate themselves with its sexual overtones. The perks of self-care Fast forward to today, women are still not given enough space to recognize their own sexual wellbeing without any degradation. While some are starting to go ahead and explore, the act of masturbation still mostly comes in hand in hand with guilt. But it’s not too late to view self-pleasure in a more positive light, especially with all the good things that come with it. Here are some of its benefits, to name a few: Masturbation helps you get in touch with yourself. It allows you to become more comfortable and confident and this can lead to better sexual experiences for both you and your partner. As if it isn’t obvious enough, it’s a good mood booster. Even when you don’t orgasm, it prompts the release of feel-good endorphins that not only help regulate emotional stress but also help with a good night’s sleep. It helps relieve pain and muscle cramps in lower regions. Because it also lubricates the vagina and flushes out harmful bacteria from the cervix, it’s a great deterrent to urinary tract infections. It even relieves post-menopausal symptoms, like the shrinking and drying up of the vagina. Since it increases blood flow to your genitals, it raises your uterus and strengthens your pelvic muscle floor. It has long-term health benefits because studies show that women who experience more orgasms, whether alone or with a partner, have lower risks of contracting heart disease and Type-2 diabetes. When you stack up the good and bad claims against masturbation, the answer to whether or not it’s worth your time is pretty obvious. Once you get past all of the misinformation and glossed-over facts, you’ll see that masturbation isn’t just the boys’ ritual, after all. In its own way, female masturbation is a celebration of our own sexuality— a pleasurable part of us that we should never be made guilty for having. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS MASTURBATION? Masturbation is the act of stimulating your own genitals for your own pleasure. You can use your own fingers, sex toys, or other objects along with sexual fantasies to reach an orgasm. People usually treat this as a private affair, but don’t worry— it’s totally normal, even though others don’t talk about it a lot. IS IT OKAY FOR WOMEN TO MASTURBATE? Yes! Women are often dissuaded from exploring their physical desires out of cultural shame, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Masturbation isn’t a bad behavior, no matter what people may have you believe. You deserve to experience orgasms with all of the pleasure and none of the guilt! HOW OFTEN DO MEN AND WOMEN USUALLY MASTURBATE? One survey conducted among 5,865 people found out that most men masturbate weekly or a few times per month, while women said they do so monthly or a few times per year. Still, it’s alright if you don’t fit in this average; this number still tends to vary from person to person. IS MASTURBATION BAD FOR MY HEALTH? No. Gone are the days when masturbation was regarded as a source of hysteria for women, because experts now perceive it as a healthy and normal sexual activity. In fact, it’s a neat way for us to feel pleasure and fulfillment without any risk of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases at all. WHAT ARE SOME BENEFITS I COULD GET FROM MASTURBATING? Masturbation offers numerous benefits for women. Some of these are about preventing diseases like cervical and urinary tract infections, heart diseases, and diabetes. Others are about boosting your emotional well-being— relieving anxiety and depression. All these can help improve your relationship with yourself, as well as your partner. CAN MASTURBATION RUIN MY SEX LIFE? Masturbation doesn’t necessarily get in the way of good sex. In most cases, understanding yourself intimately even adds to the overall sexual experience with your partner. However, this habit could be a problem in your relationship when you’re starting to miss out on sexy time with your partner. HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M MASTURBATING TOO MUCH? Contrary to popular belief, “too much” masturbation isn’t so much about how often you do it as it is about determining if the activity is negatively affecting you. Are you masturbating as a way to escape your problems or avoid your partner? If your answer is yes, then perhaps there is a reason to worry. ANY MASTURBATION TIPS AND TRICKS FOR MY NEXT SOLO SESSION? First of all, set the mood right— you can watch porn or read erotica to kick off your solo session. Then take the time to relax by slowly exploring your body to find your most sensitive spots. Put your mind into it, and don’t forget to add lube and sex toys in the mix!
ORGASM FAQ
The Female Orgasm FAQ WHAT IS AN ORGASM? The orgasm is often regarded as an intense feeling of physical pleasure, followed by a ceremonious release of sexual tension. We give it many nicknames— coming, climaxing, peaking, to name a few. But everyone looks forward to the climax when engaging in sexual activity, just like in every good movie. WHAT HAPPENS TO MY BODY WHEN I ACHIEVE ORGASM? It can manifest in many ways, like racing hearts, ragged breathing, and muscle spasms. The muscles in both your vagina and uterus contract along with some other parts of your body, like your abdomen. But of course, every body is different! The length and intensity of this sensation will vary widely among women. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE AN ORGASM? The truth is, nobody knows for sure. Though we do have some educated guesses: Some say it’s our way of choosing our mate, and others think the contractions help hold in the sperm. Meanwhile, according to evolutionary theory, it’s simply nature’s way of incentivizing us to keep the human race alive. IS FEMALE EJACULATION A REAL PHENOMENON? Yes! Sometimes, a clear fluid can squirt out of their paraurethral gland and through the urethra whenever women aroused or at the point of orgasm. It usually occurs when their G-spot is stimulated. But not women ejaculate, so there’s no need to worry if you don’t. HOW DOES A FEMALE ORGASM DIFFER FROM A MALE ORGASM? Female orgasms typically last longer from 13 to 51 seconds on average, while male orgasms clock in at just 10 to 30 seconds. Plus, women can experience multiple orgasms in succession, something that men can’t enjoy. That’s because penises have a refractory phase, during which they can’t have orgasms from minutes to days. WHAT IS THE ORGASM GAP? The orgasm gap refers to the difference between the men and women who achieve orgasms in bed— roughly 60% of women compared to 90% of men. This arises from a general misconception of sexuality in mainstream culture, which tends to focus too much on male pleasure. WHAT ARE THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF ORGASMS? Momentary pleasure isn’t the only thing you’re getting from your orgasm! As it turns out, female orgasms can also relieve stress, enhance brain and bodily function, regulate your menstruation, improve your skin complexion, and help you live a longer life in general. ARE ALL ORGASMS MADE THE SAME? Not really! For instance, the localized thrums of your clit can feel very different from the deep, rumbly rhythms that your G-spot makes or the fuller sensation of anal stimulation. There’s a lot of ground to cover when it comes to pleasure, so you better buckle up and get ready to start. HOW MANY TYPES OF ORGASMS ARE THERE? We counted 10 broad categories of orgasms for you, all depending on either which body part you’re stimulating, how you’re stimulating it, or whether you’re going for more than one. Think of these as your car’s custom settings on your journey to that blissful climax. WHAT IS A BLENDED ORGASM? The blended orgasm is the best of both worlds— clitoral and vaginal orgasms rolled into one earth-shattering climax. Simultaneously stimulate the two in any way you like along with PC contractions, pelvic thrusting, and deep breathing for one hell of a ride. It’s certainly an exhilarating experience you won’t forget! IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE MULTIPLE ORGASMS? Definitely! Try stimulating your clit or other erogenous zones first, before moving deeper into your G-spot and knocking on your backdoor to get one orgasm after the other. If your body is feeling a bit too sensitive, all you need is to take a quick break before bouncing back. IS IT TRUE THAT WOMEN CAN ACHIEVE AN ORGASM BY THOUGHT ALONE? It could be difficult to wrap your head around it, but it’s definitely not unheard of! With a lot of practice, some women are able to get off simply through the wonders of their own imagination. That’s because our sexuality is more complex and emotionally driven than previously thought. WHAT CAN I DO TO ACHIEVE AN ORGASM? It all boils down to three things. First, you have to set the scene to prepare yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then you get into the action: Explore various touches and switch it up, but don’t rush or overthink it. Third, you can grab sex toys and other accessories to improve your overall experience. IS IT HARMFUL FOR ME TO WATCH PORN OR READ EROTICA BEFORE HAVING SEX? It’s not wrong for women to partake in the visual feast that is porn just like men or read into their favorite adult-themed novels. That's not cheating on your partner— that’s taking inspiration from other people's art! Just be careful not to idealize the bodies on screen and feel that yours isn’t sexy too. HOW LONG DOES IT USUALLY TAKE FOR WOMEN TO ACHIEVE ORGASM? On average, it takes women 20 minutes of stimulation to achieve orgasm during sex. (That’s opposed to men, who only need 7 to 14 minutes.) But of course, it’s perfectly alright if it takes you more or less. All that matters is that everyone enjoys the sexual experience, no matter how long it takes! HOW DO I MAKE MY ORGASMS LAST LONGER? There are a few proven ways to make your orgasms longer and more intense. One is edging, which is deliberately taking a step back when you’re at the edge of orgasm before stimulating yourself again. And while you’re not having sex, work on some exercises with Kegel balls to improve your pelvic-floor muscles. IS IT ALRIGHT FOR ME TO FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT? While orgasms shouldn’t be the be-all, end-all of sex, it’s best to be honest about your own experience. Faking it would send the wrong signals, so your partner thinks they could do the same thing again next time. Then you’ll have to fake it again— it’s a downward spiral from then on. I’VE DONE EVERYTHING ON THAT LIST, BUT I STILL COULDN’T ORGASM— WHAT SHOULD I DO? If being unable to orgasm is still a problem for you despite your best efforts, this could be a sign of some sort of orgasmic dysfunction. It’s best to consult your doctor about this for more options to treat your underlying problem. WHAT IS MASTURBATION? Masturbation is the act of stimulating your own genitals for your own pleasure. You can use your own fingers, sex toys, or other objects along with sexual fantasies to reach an orgasm. People usually treat this as a private affair, but don’t worry— it’s totally normal, even though others don’t talk about it a lot. IS IT OKAY FOR WOMEN TO MASTURBATE? Yes! Women are often dissuaded from exploring their physical desires out of cultural shame, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Masturbation isn’t a bad behavior, no matter what people may have you believe. You deserve to experience orgasms with all of the pleasure and none of the guilt! HOW OFTEN DO MEN AND WOMEN USUALLY MASTURBATE? One survey conducted among 5,865 people found out that most men masturbate weekly or a few times per month, while women said they do so monthly or a few times per year. Still, it’s alright if you don’t fit in this average; this number still tends to vary from person to person. IS MASTURBATION BAD FOR MY HEALTH? No. Gone are the days when masturbation was regarded as a source of hysteria for women, because experts now perceive it as a healthy and normal sexual activity. In fact, it’s a neat way for us to feel pleasure and fulfillment without any risk of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases at all. WHAT ARE SOME BENEFITS I COULD GET FROM MASTURBATING? Masturbation offers numerous benefits for women. Some of these are about preventing diseases like cervical and urinary tract infections, heart diseases, and diabetes. Others are about boosting your emotional well-being— relieving anxiety and depression. All these can help improve your relationship with yourself, as well as your partner. CAN MASTURBATION RUIN MY SEX LIFE? Masturbation doesn’t necessarily get in the way of good sex. In most cases, understanding yourself intimately even adds to the overall sexual experience with your partner. However, this habit could be a problem in your relationship when you’re starting to miss out on sexy time with your partner. HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M MASTURBATING TOO MUCH? Contrary to popular belief, “too much” masturbation isn’t so much about how often you do it as it is about determining if the activity is negatively affecting you. Are you masturbating as a way to escape your problems or avoid your partner? If your answer is yes, then perhaps there is a reason to worry. ANY MASTURBATION TIPS AND TRICKS FOR MY NEXT SOLO SESSION? First of all, set the mood right— you can watch porn or read erotica to kick off your solo session. Then take the time to relax by slowly exploring your body to find your most sensitive spots. Put your mind into it, and don’t forget to add lube and sex toys in the mix!
HOW TO ORGASM
How to orgasm -> 15 tips and tricks for your next great Big O We’ve got the best stuff for you to try, whether you’re hitting it off with your partner or going solo. The moment you’ve been longing for is finally coming: Your head is bent backward, your back arched, your fingers gripping the rumpled sheets. You’re on the edge, breathlessly anticipating your climax… but then your pleasure plateaus, falling flat into a decidedly anti-climactic end. So much for a ravishing, heart-racing affair. You wind up eating your heart out instead as you curl up and sleep off the disappointment. As a woman, you’ve probably realized at some point that sex or masturbation isn’t always the toe-curling, breathtaking holy grail people make it out to be. But if it gives you any consolation, you’re not alone. Almost one-third (31.6%) of women admitted that they have experienced an orgasm only rarely or sometimes. However, this doesn’t mean you have to give up on your blissful, wet dreams altogether. There are still many ways for women like you to get the most delight out of every sexual experience! For that reason, we've gathered some of the best tips and tricks that you can apply in your next raunchy repertoire. Covering all your bases Before anything else, you have to make sure that you’re mentally and emotionally prepared to make the most out of your intimate moments, both alone and shared. When you're able to carve up some free time for some naughty fun, why not make the most bang out of your buck? 1. APPRECIATE YOUR BODY First and foremost, for you to have a fun time in bed, you need to be able to embrace your own unique body. The more you cultivate a strong appreciation for every inch of yourself, the more you'd be comfortable in your own skin. Unsurprisingly, this would make it easier for you to immerse yourself in every sexual encounter instead of focusing too much on how you think you look. 2. BE OPEN-MINDED Drop everything that you think you know about having sex. Penetrative sex or the usual penis-in-vagina intercourse isn't the only way you can reach the peak. The sooner you let go of this misconception, the quicker you’d be able to breeze through the rest of the items on this list. Listen to what your partner may have in mind. It’s alright if a new idea may seem bizarre, so long as both of you are comfortable with trying it out. Of course, tell them how and where you want it too! 3. GET IN THE MOOD Steamy session later? Prepare for the long, exciting night ahead by indulging your mind. Read up on some juicy erotica. Watch some intense and passionate feminist porn. Or how about playing your favorite sexy songs? More femmes are drawn to reading erotica because they tend to crave the emotional investment between its pages, as opposed to watching porn. It's definitely alright to get turned on by literature, film, or music. That's not cheating on your partner— we call that taking inspiration from other people's art. So why not let your partner join in while you're at it? Just give it a whirl; you won’t regret it, we promise. 4. SET THE SCENE Before you get ready to rumble, make sure that you set the scene first. Eliminate all forms of distraction and decorate the room however you like. Feeling like having fun between the sheets? How about a shower with your beloved? That's completely up to you. Of course, don't forget to look your best! Wear some delicate lingerie that hugs your figure at all the right places. But if strutting down on your birthday suit is your thing, that's alright with us too. Getting into the action Now that you’ve gotten everything prepped beforehand, we can finally move on to the fun part. Time to get it on with yourself or your partner! What are the things that you can do to make your sexy time more exhilarating? 5. TAKE IT SLOW The time has come for you to get physical. But hold up, not so fast though! Don’t just crash-land into your destination and risk missing out on all the fun. One of the best ways to get an orgasm is to gradually build up to that climax— coax it carefully, instead of forcing it right away. That’s the key to knowing yourself and your partner more intimately. 6. TALK DIRTY Hear us out— dirty talk may sound silly at first, especially when you’re not accustomed to it, but it actually comes with perks. For one, it stimulates your brain, which is the most powerful sexual organ you have. Even simply moaning or whispering during sex does the trick for both parties in the same manner. Not to mention, you’d be able to communicate effectively with your partner what feels comfortable and pleasurable for you in real-time. Walk them through your most sensitive spots, and you might just be able to reach orgasm together! 7. DRY HUMP Can’t get over that hump? Just give it a ride! All you have to do for dry humping is to rub your genitals against any part of your partner (or any soft object, if you’re on a solo rodeo) with your clothes still on. You may have your doubts on whether this would work like a charm for you. But trust us, once you instinctively find the rhythm that clicks for you and your partner, you'll hit it off in no time. 8. DON’T OVERTHINK If there’s one thing you have to keep in mind during masturbation or sex, it’s that you shouldn’t think too much into it. Instead of worrying about how you’re “performing” or being too bent on getting your orgasm, focus your mind on the pleasures and sensations that the present moment has to offer. Feel how every movement or position stimulates you, then proceed to do more of what feels good. When your mind keeps your own arousal as a mantra, you’ll amaze yourself at how incredibly easy it is to fulfill your desires. 9. SWITCH IT UP Whether you’re masturbating or having sex, you’ll benefit from switching things up every now and then. Why stick to the same old patterns when you could kick it up a notch? Add a nice touch to your act by introducing new motions: gentle taps, constant pressure, circular rhythms, or other combinations. Or better yet, why not just show your partner how it’s done? Guide their hand through your erogenous zones, then teach them how you pleasure yourself. Emily Morse, sex educator and host of Sex with Emily, seconds this motion: Guys can be more action-oriented than ladies, after all. 10. PREPARE FOR ORALS Just like your partner’s fingers, their tongue can also do wonders for your body, especially for your clit. So how about letting them go down on you? At least 2 out of 5 women said they need clitoral stimulation to climax, while it makes sex feel better for another 2 out of 5, even when it’s not necessary. It’ll be a wonderful experience for your partner to get to know what turns you on. All you have to do is sit back, relax, and feel great. Maybe you could return the favor on your next round too! 11. GET HANDS ALL OVER Here’s where your multitasking skills can shine through. If you’re going solo, don’t just give your genitals all the attention. Explore and stimulate your other erogenous zones, like your breasts or thighs. Naturally, the same goes for sex! While your partner is going downtown, they could also slip a finger or two inside for that extra juicy feeling. Feel free to move your hips against their mouth, and the motions will get you to that peak in no time. 12. TEASE A LITTLE Want to make your orgasm even more intense? Take yourself to the edge of pleasure, but don’t allow yourself to take that plunge just yet! In a process called edging, you’ll be pausing for a while before slowly stimulating yourself again. On average, it takes women 20 minutes of stimulation to achieve orgasm, but of course, it’s perfectly alright if it takes you more or less. Your patience will be rewarded by a longer and stronger climax afterward. Plus, it’s even an effective treatment for premature ejaculation in men. So why not take this as an opportunity to be more mindful of what gives you and your partner pleasure? Spicing it up Now that we’ve gone through all the basics, you might be wondering what else you can add to spice up your sex life. Not to worry— there are still some more goodies that you can throw in the bag to get that orgasm you’ve been hoping for. 13. GRAB A PAIR Who says women don’t have the balls? Go grab a pair of Kegel balls to exercise the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles that surround your lower hips. That way, you’ll be increasing blood flow to your genital area, something that typically happens when you’re aroused. Not to mention, Kegel exercises also help with pregnancy recovery and bladder control, so you’ll be reaping far more benefits than you’ve bargained for. So why not squeeze these balls into your schedule and incorporate that tension in your next sexy act? 14. SLIP ‘N SLIDE If you want to make your experience glide more smoothly, there’s no shame in splurging on some lube— even when you don’t really feel dry down there. You’ll appreciate just how different sex could be when you’re dripping with that hot stuff. And if you want to ramp up your foreplay, you can also apply some saucy massage oil and make your caresses a little slicker down the road. If that passionate rubdown doesn’t make you and your partner go to town, we don’t know what will! 15. BUY SEX TOYS Looking for something new apart from manual stimulation? Time to explore some of your electronic options! For instance, a dildo of your preferred size and shape can come in handy during your sexy time. Or what about butt plugs to go knocking on your backdoor? Vibrators are even more varied in terms of appearance and function. Each toy is designed to suit your desires or preferences, whether you’re in the mood for some buzzy stimulation, clit-sucking action, or remote-controlled orgasm. Are you ballsy enough to get some Kegel exercises going? Slick enough for a round of action with lube or massage oil? How about getting some lovin’ from the best sex toys in town? Whatever you’re looking for, Noti’s got them for you here! Without a doubt, getting to that Big O can take time and practice, especially when you’re new to all this. So if you don’t quite get there just yet, don’t feel disheartened by the plateau phase. Just enjoy the view anyway, and trust that you’ll be coming back stronger next time— perhaps even more than once. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT CAN I DO TO ACHIEVE AN ORGASM? It all boils down to three things. First, you have to set the scene to prepare yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then you get into the action: Explore various touches and switch it up, but don’t rush or overthink it. Third, you can grab sex toys and other accessories to improve your overall experience. IS IT HARMFUL FOR ME TO WATCH PORN OR READ EROTICA BEFORE HAVING SEX? It’s not wrong for women to partake in the visual feast that is porn just like men or read into their favorite adult-themed novels. That's not cheating on your partner— that’s taking inspiration from other people's art! Just be careful not to idealize the bodies on screen and feel that yours isn’t sexy too. HOW LONG DOES IT USUALLY TAKE FOR WOMEN TO ACHIEVE ORGASM? On average, it takes women 20 minutes of stimulation to achieve orgasm during sex. (That’s opposed to men, who only need 7 to 14 minutes.) But of course, it’s perfectly alright if it takes you more or less. All that matters is that everyone enjoys the sexual experience, no matter how long it takes! HOW DO I MAKE MY ORGASMS LAST LONGER? There are a few proven ways to make your orgasms longer and more intense. One is edging, which is deliberately taking a step back when you’re at the edge of orgasm before stimulating yourself again. And while you’re not having sex, work on some exercises with Kegel balls to improve your pelvic-floor muscles. IS IT ALRIGHT FOR ME TO FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT? While orgasms shouldn’t be the be-all, end-all of sex, it’s best to be honest about your own experience. Faking it would send the wrong signals, so your partner thinks they could do the same thing again next time. Then you’ll have to fake it again— it’s a downward spiral from then on. I’VE DONE EVERYTHING ON THAT LIST, BUT I STILL COULDN’T ORGASM— WHAT SHOULD I DO? If being unable to orgasm is still a problem for you despite your best efforts, this could be a sign of some sort of orgasmic dysfunction. It’s best to consult your doctor about this for more options to treat your underlying problem.
TYPES OF ORGASM
The 10 different types of female orgasm that will take you for a wild ride Buckle up, because we’re showing you all the ways you can reach that spectacular climax you’ve always dreamed of. At times, seeking sexual pleasure can feel like an uphill battle. It’s as if you’re climbing a mountain shrouded in low-hanging clouds, at least with the way your skin bathes in a layer of perspiration. Don’t sweat it, though! You don’t always have to spread your legs to get to the top. No need to test the vigor of your fingers, grappling whatever you can get your hands on just to reach the peak. There’s no single road to get an orgasm. In fact, it isn’t always about the destination. The journey itself makes the biggest difference. Allow us to show you a guide for every route you can take, people you can have aboard, and tools you might need along the way. Put on your seatbelts for a wild ride— we have a lot of ground to cover. Playing your parts How can you enjoy your wonderful trip if you don’t know what you’re driving? These types of orgasms will help you discover every inch of your body and what it does for you. See what happens if you put the key in the ignition. What does it feel like to push this button? Whether you’re going fast or slow, don’t just dip your toes. Dive in— the deeper you go, the bigger the splash. 1. CLITORAL ORGASM Under the hood, you’ll find the head of the clitoris, the only part of your body whose sole purpose is to give you pleasure. Don’t be fooled by its deceivingly small shape. It’s actually a four-inch (10 cm) sexual organ that extends within your pelvis! If you want to stimulate it, the best way to do so is to run your fingers, palm, or someone else’s tongue over it in circular or back and forth motions. It’s the easiest way to climax if you need a quick stress reliever… especially when you’ve just had a bumpy ride. 2. VAGINAL ORGASM Ah, yes, the classic route to hit the Big O… or so they say. One survey does show that while penetration is highly satisfying for men, women might differ— more than 4 out of 5 say that intercourse alone isn’t going to cut it for them. That’s not to downplay the vagina and its knack for deep, pulsating rhythms. The vaginal orgasm is within reach for the penis, especially through sex positions like spooning. Or better yet, get your hands dirty by using your own curved sex toy or fingers. All you have to do is make a “come hither” motion towards the side of your belly. If you continuously stimulate your G-spot, you might just ejaculate, thanks to your paraurethral glands. 3. ANAL ORGASM If you don’t want to drive a stick in the front seat, you can always try riding from the back. It’s always possible for women to do, even though men tend to get off easier that way because of their prostate gland. You can stimulate the outside of your anus with your fingers. Feel free to enter from the backdoor too. Just don’t forget to apply lots of lube while at it because your ass doesn’t naturally produce its lubrication, unlike your vagina. Trust us, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it! 4. EROGENOUS ZONE ORGASM There are other erogenous zones in your body apart from your genitals, though these require a little bit more tinkering and experimentation. For instance, you can orgasm from a trail of kisses from the base of your jaw down to your collarbones. The sensations of a tongue swirling around your nipple trapped in between teeth might also do wonders for you. And you may not believe it, but some have found release from a finger skillfully fondling the insides of their knees. Ever wondered how many erogenous zones you could have? We counted 15 pleasure spots, right from the scalp on your head to the tips of your toes. It’s different for every person, but discovering these small gems can offer a lot of variety for your sexy time. The best way to find yours? Use any light fluffy object like a feather and hover it dangerously low above all possible erogenous zones. It’s definitely a fun, exploratory activity in and of itself! 5. FANTASY ORGASM Yes, it’s possible to achieve orgasm with just your imagination. Talk about mind over matter! According to Prof. Alan Kiley, a leading sex expert in the UK, the female sexuality is actually more complex and emotionally driven. “For many people, and women in particular, the mind plays an even more important role,” Kiley stressed. No wonder 40% of women report having difficulties getting an orgasm. We might be focusing too much on bodily reactions without much regard for our mind, as well as our relationships with our partners. Coming into your senses Now that you already have an idea of where you get turned on, you can focus on how to let your journey play out. Whether you’re doing this to relax, relieve some pent-up frustrations, or simply have fun by yourself, you’ll find the right kind of orgasm just for you. 6. RELAXATION ORGASM As its name implies, the relaxation orgasm can be achieved by getting into a relaxed state while you’re being sexually stimulated. It’s all about alleviating your muscle tension and letting go of control. Take it from Dr. Alex Comfort, the author of the book The New Joy of Sex: Keep yourself still, and let your partner take the wheel for this one. If you’re still feeling a bit tense, ask for a massage or a bit of foreplay to release the knots in your system. Go completely limp as the orgasm builds up and eventually peaks. But before you can sit down and relax, you need to make sure that your environment facilitates the right frame of mind. Pencil it in during a lazy Sunday morning, an otherwise uneventful evening, or even a romantic vacation. That way, sinking into an unbothered mood can be a lot easier for you. 7. PRESSURE ORGASM Going for a solo trip? All you need is something soft to press against as you rock back and forth, like some ladies. Or you can do well with just crossing your legs; try to squeeze your thighs together until you orgasm. Try dry humping with your partner by rubbing your genitals against any part of their body, whether you’re fully or partially clothed. As unlikely as this sounds, there are women who have admitted to getting an orgasm while horseback riding, cycling, and even working out their quads and inner thighs. So indeed, a pressure orgasm isn’t out of the realm of possibilities. It doesn’t always come easy for every woman, though. 8. TENSION ORGASM You could say this one is a cult favorite, so much that it’s most commonly depicted in literature. Tensed jaw, taut muscles, breath held until the moment of release— does this sound familiar to you? Anything that involves direct stimulation while your body feels tight contributes to the tension orgasm. Don’t know how to get there just yet? No worries, all you need is a couple of Kegel balls to help tense up your pubococcygeus (PC) muscles, which support your pelvic floor. This increases blood flow to your genitals and gets you more aroused. The more, the merrier Can’t choose among your many options? Who says you need to stick to just one? Get the most fun out of your sexy time by either mixing it up or getting them one after the other. 9. COMBINATION (BLENDED) ORGASM No two types of orgasm feel exactly the same, which is why you’ll find it more satisfying to put them together and see what happens. All you have to do is simultaneously arouse different pleasure spots— particularly your G-spot and clit— and voilà! You’ll have the best of both worlds in the combination orgasm. Don’t forget to add some PC muscle contractions, pelvic thrusting, and deep breathing into your foreplay mix for one hell of a ride. How about pulling a rabbit vibrator out of your hat for this magic trick? Adding these things together can only mean you’re in for a bigger treat. You deserve it for all that hard work! 10. MULTIPLE ORGASMS Want to get more bang for your buck? You can always work towards multiple orgasms or a series of climaxes in a short period of time. That’s possible for us women because, unlike men, our bodies don’t need a refractory period or a resting state after each orgasm. Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, the author of The Multi-Orgasmic Woman, has some tips and tricks to share. For one, ladies achieve orgasm quicker through the clit, especially when stimulated orally. Never skip on the foreplay. It preps you for more hot stuff ahead! After your first orgasm, take a quick break before jumping back in. This time, experiment with different positions, then stick to one that hits your G-spot just right. Be sure to get all hands on deck; the more body parts are stimulated, the more you’re likely to hit it big. Of course, every woman’s body is unique. That’s why orgasms would feel different for each one of us too. So don’t let anyone else’s preferences dictate your own. Allow yourself to explore every single path to pleasure, relishing each one until you find what you love the most. The climb may seem daunting, but as they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) ARE ALL ORGASMS MADE THE SAME? Not really! For instance, the localized thrums of your clit can feel very different from the deep, rumbly rhythms that your G-spot makes or the fuller sensation of anal stimulation. There’s a lot of ground to cover when it comes to pleasure, so you better buckle up and get ready to start. HOW MANY TYPES OF ORGASMS ARE THERE? We counted 10 broad categories of orgasms for you, all depending on either which body part you’re stimulating, how you’re stimulating it, or whether you’re going for more than one. Think of these as your car’s custom settings on your journey to that blissful climax. WHAT IS A BLENDED ORGASM? The blended orgasm is the best of both worlds— clitoral and vaginal orgasms rolled into one earth-shattering climax. Simultaneously stimulate the two in any way you like along with PC contractions, pelvic thrusting, and deep breathing for one hell of a ride. It’s certainly an exhilarating experience you won’t forget! IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE MULTIPLE ORGASMS? Definitely! Try stimulating your clit or other erogenous zones first, before moving deeper into your G-spot and knocking on your backdoor to get one orgasm after the other. If your body is feeling a bit too sensitive, all you need is to take a quick break before bouncing back. IS IT TRUE THAT WOMEN CAN ACHIEVE AN ORGASM BY THOUGHT ALONE? It could be difficult to wrap your head around it, but it’s definitely not unheard of! With a lot of practice, some women are able to get off simply through the wonders of their own imagination. That’s because our sexuality is more complex and emotionally driven than previously thought.
WHAT IS AN ORGASM
What is an orgasm and what makes it so stunningly breathtaking? If sex were like the movies, the climax would arguably be one of the best parts. The bed creaks in harmony with your sharp intakes of breath. One hand is gripping the sheets while the other is taking cues from a restless heart. It’s a hair-raising symphony, your hips swaying to the beat of its frenetic rhythm. Sweat trickles down from your temple to your quivering jaw. Your eyes roll backwards as your back curls upwards, rising to a crescendo— A moan escapes your trembling lips, the electrifying sensation filling you up from the core. It travels in waves until it reaches your fingertips. With every rise and fall of your chest, you crane your neck and allow it to consume you. You needed this relief. Nothing truly makes your body tingle and blood sing quite like an astonishing orgasm. Do you ever wonder how, in one moment, you can feel both so delicate yet unbelievably explosive? Building the tension While it’s been a recurring subject of both prose and poetry, there’s no singular way to describe that intense feeling of pleasure that accompanies sexual activity: the orgasm. Characterized by racing heartbeats, ragged breathing, and muscle spasms, it’s the ceremonious release of sexual tension that overwhelms every fiber of your being. As an elusive and taboo topic, we give it many nicknames— coming, climaxing, peaking, to name a few. Most people are eager to experience it, either alone or with a little bit of help. Just like in the movies, we’d be on the edge of our seats as we breathlessly anticipate the climax of this grand act. Female orgasms typically last longer from 13 to 51 seconds on average, while male orgasms clock in at just 10 to 30 seconds. As a woman, this immense feeling comes with the contractions of your genital muscles. You might even ejaculate during a vaginal orgasm! That’s when a milky or watery fluid squirts from your paraurethral glands, usually when you’re extremely aroused up until the point of release. It’s also possible to achieve one orgasm after another, so long as you’re continually stimulated. We may seem endlessly fascinated by it, but for the longest time, humanity had been grasping in the dark for what it actually is. After all, it’s always difficult to generalize something that we experience differently. Yet we’ve come up with many stories, theories, and explanations anyway. How long did it take to reach the peak of understanding what makes us tick? Path to pleasure Throughout history, the female orgasm has always been an enigma to those who have never experienced it. The discussion didn’t always include ladies like us, yet they insisted that they could stay on top of a woman’s pleasure. No wonder it took so long before they were able to hit the spot! THE MIDDLE GROUND You might be surprised, but female orgasm hasn’t always been in a place of shame. For instance, despite the apparent patriarchy during the middle ages, sexual pleasure for women took center stage. People thought the orgasm is required to conceive a child, so they made sure women always had it in bed. Unfortunately, they also believed the woman’s vagina was the “inverted” form of the man’s penis. HISTORY OF HYSTERIA By the 1800s, society has become too caught up in male pleasure to pay attention to what women felt like in bed. It’s no surprise that they regarded pent-up sexual tension as hysteria, also known as the “wandering womb.” And the only conceivable deterrent (pun intended) to this insanity at the time was a regular dose of pelvic massages and douching. The emergence of the vibrator during this period was simply an afterthought. It seems that male doctors and partners had better things to do apart from attending to women’s sexual needs. SOME SEXY FIGURES Alfred Kinsey, a renowned sexologist, conducted an influential survey on sexual behavior in the 1940s and 1950s. For the first time in recorded history, the publicized Kinsey Report shed some light on the sensation of the female orgasm. Only about 6 out of 10 women say they usually or always achieved orgasm during sex, compared to 9 out of 10 men. That’s called the orgasm gap. Did you know that during his time, 40% of women said they got their first climax from masturbation, while 5% got them from wet dreams? About 14% of them also said that they’ve experienced multiple orgasms. Women do enjoy sex, and our orgasmic capabilities even continue to rise before they ebb at retirement age. THE NAKED TRUTH Ever since the scientific community has managed to “discover” the female orgasm, experts have been bent to determine why it exists in the first place. Some thought it’s the woman’s way of choosing her best mate, while others asserted that it gives her the ability to explore multiple partners. Others said that vaginal spasms “suck up” sperm to increase fertility. Yet evolutionary theory argued that it encourages women to have sex for the survival of humanity. Desmond Morris insisted in The Naked Ape that female orgasms determine whether a male partner can be a good father to her future children. Nobody knows for certain the answer to this question, but at least we’ve made huge leaps in terms of discovering how it all works. Throughout the 1960s, William Masters and Virginia Johnson secretly produced in-depth studies of female sexual arousal. These so-called “Masters of Sex” taught us how orgasms can be traced to vaginal or clitoral stimulation, among many others. And thanks to them, we’re able to dispel a lot of our earlier misconceptions. IT’S HER TURN Despite all that, our sexual pleasure turns out to be not as complicated as history had made it seem. Because recent conversations on the topic are increasingly initiated by women, we’re finally learning to uncover what women truly want. American sexologist and feminist Lisa Diamond views the female orgasm less as a physical experience and more as a natural part of bonding. As the first to study a large group of women for more than 10 years, she’s come to realize how emotional factors affect our physical desire. For many women in her book Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, sex is about getting intimate with a person, not a gender. “Fluidity is not a fluke,” Diamond stressed. So what other surprises does the female orgasm have for us? Big O-some benefits You know what they say about the Big O: It’s fun while it lasts. But don’t you listen to them— momentary pleasure isn’t the only thing you’re getting from your orgasm. As it turns out, there’s so much more that women could gain from having a good time in bed. Here are some of the awesome health benefits of orgasms that will surely take your breath away: The chill pill. For many women, orgasms release chemicals like oxytocin and DHEA, both of which can improve your mood and help you relax. We can’t stress this enough! Every body happy. Research shows that an orgasm enhances brain function, increases your white blood cell count, and strengthens immune systems. How’s that for a well-rounded physical fitness? Cool off period. If your period cramps are excruciatingly painful, we’ve got some good news for you. Orgasms have also been proven to ease PMS pains and regulate your menstruation. Get that glow. You’re not just imagining things. The post-sex glow is the real deal! Because orgasms increase blood flow, you’ll get a naturally flushed skin almost instantly… and a healthier complexion for the long haul. At long last. An orgasm doesn’t just guarantee you a good time— it can also make you last a long time. The Longevity Project can show you how women who get more orgasms tend to live longer than those who don’t. Who knew something that feels so good can actually be good for you? Now you have a lot of great reasons to have more of that blissful release, whether by yourself or with your partner. After all, the female orgasm isn’t as rare or even hysterical as a lot of people believed it to be. With developments in research and the gradual adaptation of women empowerment, we’re now allowed to talk about our delicate yet explosive moments without guilt. Still, some theories are better put into practice. How would you define your own breathtaking orgasm? Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS AN ORGASM? The orgasm is often regarded as an intense feeling of physical pleasure, followed by a ceremonious release of sexual tension. We give it many nicknames— coming, climaxing, peaking, to name a few. But everyone looks forward to the climax when engaging in sexual activity, just like in every good movie. WHAT HAPPENS TO MY BODY WHEN I ACHIEVE ORGASM? It can manifest in many ways, like racing hearts, ragged breathing, and muscle spasms. The muscles in both your vagina and uterus contract along with some other parts of your body, like your abdomen. But of course, every body is different! The length and intensity of this sensation will vary widely among women. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE AN ORGASM? The truth is, nobody knows for sure. Though we do have some educated guesses: Some say it’s our way of choosing our mate, and others think the contractions help hold in the sperm. Meanwhile, according to evolutionary theory, it’s simply nature’s way of incentivizing us to keep the human race alive. IS FEMALE EJACULATION A REAL PHENOMENON? Yes! Sometimes, a clear fluid can squirt out of their paraurethral gland and through the urethra whenever women aroused or at the point of orgasm. It usually occurs when their G-spot is stimulated. But not women ejaculate, so there’s no need to worry if you don’t. HOW DOES A FEMALE ORGASM DIFFER FROM A MALE ORGASM? Female orgasms typically last longer from 13 to 51 seconds on average, while male orgasms clock in at just 10 to 30 seconds. Plus, women can experience multiple orgasms in succession, something that men can’t enjoy. That’s because penises have a refractory phase, during which they can’t have orgasms from minutes to days. WHAT IS THE ORGASM GAP? The orgasm gap refers to the difference between the men and women who achieve orgasms in bed— roughly 60% of women compared to 90% of men. This arises from a general misconception of sexuality in mainstream culture, which tends to focus too much on male pleasure. WHAT ARE THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF ORGASMS? Momentary pleasure isn’t the only thing you’re getting from your orgasm! As it turns out, female orgasms can also relieve stress, enhance brain and bodily function, regulate your menstruation, improve your skin complexion, and help you live a longer life in general.
Sex Education GET STARTED HERE
SEX POSITIONS
The 7 best sex positions that ladies can include in their (raunchy) repertoire Want to get a lot more action from your usual sex routine? Here are some easy moves you can practice in (and out) of bed! Whenever you get it on with your partner, you probably have a few go-to positions that you always stick to. But did you know that there are actually hundreds of ways you can arrange your torsos and limbs? In fact, the famed Indian book Kama Sutra alone lists a whopping 529 configurations! Before you crack open that ancient tome, though, we’ve got to warn you: Most of those require some serious gymnastic abilities. Luckily for you, we’ve got a more practical list of seven easy-breezy sex positions you can try at home. 1. Woman on a mission Here’s the good ol' classic that sex has to offer: the missionary position. With easily billions of devotees around the world, it gives partners the opportunity to get intimate while facing each other in bed. All you have to do is lie on your back as your partner gives it their all on top of you. Some people say it's too basic and boring for their taste. But hey, vanilla sex can also taste sweet! Still, if you're getting tired of the same old, you may want to give this a twist. Swing your legs over your partner's arms or shoulders. Or better yet, try the coital alignment technique (CAT), which focuses more on grinding against your vulva, so you get clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time. 2. Hot diggity dog Nothing says getting down and dirty like being on all fours— with the doggy-style position, of course! This is yet another easy position for your partner to back you up... and enter from your behind. Kneel on the bed and let your partner thrust against you while holding unto your hips. Tugging on your hair or spanking your butt can be fun too if you’re feeling a little naughty. Willing to try something slightly different? You could still teach that old dog new tricks just fine. Try sitting up and pressing your torso against your partner’s, so your hands could feel free to play around. Or how about leaning against a table and wait for your partner to do their work on you? Not bad at all. 3. Ride that pony Do you love taking the reins? Then the woman-on-top position might be just what you’re looking for! It’s one of the most popular go-to positions for a good reason. Whether you’re going for vaginal or anal penetration, it gives you the freedom to control the speed and depth of each stroke, putting you in charge. If you're feeling even more adventurous, ride that horse backwards the Old Spice way through the reverse cowgirl. You can also make things exciting by changing your locale— why not gallop towards the backseat of your car? 4. Come and cuddle Whenever you're feeling extra touchy-feely at night, make it intense by spooning with your partner. Simply lie on your side, snuggling against them; they can enter from behind as they kiss the back of your neck and fondle your breasts and clit. Feel free to cuddle afterwards as a bonus! 5. Take it downtown Here’s something that will make you feel so good, you’d want to take it lying down (on your bed or table, take your pick). Let your partner go to town through the cunnilingus! Their tongue is definitely going places for this one, and you bet their fingers would be roaming on their own too. Feel free to give them feedback as they move along, so they know which speeds and intensities are your faves. But if you need to amp it up, why not return the favor through the 69? You can either be on top or go side to side. Give it a whirl and see which one feels most pleasurable. 6. Standing-room only No bed in sight? No problem. You can always go for another steamy staple— the standing sex. Embrace your partner and wrap your thighs around them to share an extremely passionate moment. And voilà! Do it against the wall so your partner can support your weight. Oh, and some oral sex while you're up and about won't hurt too. That performance definitely deserves a standing ovation. 7. The hot seat Time to sit down and do the lap dance— minus the clothes, of course. Go ahead and straddle your partner to get the most of all that skin-to-skin and eye-to-eye contact. That’s the sitting position for you! To take things up a notch, you don't need to stick around your bed or your chair. Make a splash in your hot tub sometime. Or better yet, why not take it for a spin on top of your industrial washing machine? Whether you’re in the mood for one or more of these playful tricks, the most important thing is that both you and your partner enjoy the whole performance. After all, only you can decide what works best for you. You’re doing perfectly fine, with or without the bed-rattling, tantric contortions. Frequently asked questions (FAQs) WHAT’S MY SAFEST BET FOR HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH MY PARTNER? The missionary position is a good ol’ classic! All you have to do is lie on your back as your partner gives it their all on top of you. Still, if you want to give this a twist, swing your legs over your partner's arms or shoulders. Or try the coital alignment technique (CAT). WHAT’S THE COITAL ALIGNMENT TECHNIQUE? Coital alignment technique (CAT) is a variation of the missionary position, which focuses more on grinding against your vulva. Some women don’t get as much satisfaction from vaginal stimulation alone, so you might be willing to give this a try if you need some clitoral action for your pussy too. WHICH POSITION SHOULD I TRY WHEN I WANT IT ROUGH? Nothing says getting down and dirty like being on all fours— with the doggy-style position, of course! Kneel on the bed and let your partner thrust against you while holding unto your hips. Tugging on your hair or spanking your ass can be fun too if you’re feeling a little naughty. WHAT SEX POSITION WOULD GIVE ME THE MOST CONTROL OVER THRUSTS? The woman-on-top position might be just what you’re looking for! Whether you’re going for vaginal or anal penetration, it gives you the freedom to control the speed and depth of each stroke, putting you in charge. If you're feeling even more adventurous, ride that horse backwards the Old Spice, reverse cowgirl way. WHAT SHOULD I TRY IF I LIKE CUDDLING WITH MY PARTNER? Whenever you're feeling extra touchy-feely at night, make it intense by spooning with your partner. Simply lie on your side, snuggling against them; they can enter from behind as they kiss the back of your neck and fondle your breasts and clit. Feel free to cuddle afterwards as a bonus! WHICH IS THE BEST POSITION IF I WANT MY PARTNER TO GO DOWN ON ME? Let your partner go to town through the cunnilingus. Their tongue is definitely going places for this one, and you bet their fingers would be roaming on their own too. Feel free to give them feedback as they move along, but if you’re willing, just return the favor through the 69 for mutual pleasure. WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO HAVE SEX WHILE STANDING UP? You can always go for this steamy staple by embracing your partner and wrapping your thighs around them to share an extremely passionate moment. Do it against the wall so your partner can support your weight. Oh, and some oral sex while you're up and about won't hurt too. HOW CAN I BEST GET PLEASURE FROM SITTING DOWN? Straddle your partner to get the most of all that skin-to-skin and eye-to-eye contact. To take things up a notch, you don't need to stick around your bed or your chair. Make a splash in your hot tub sometime. Or better yet, take it for a spin on top of your washing machine!
WHAT IS SEX
What is sex - really? Here's a hot take on how we go (all the way) We say humans have been doing it since the dawn of time. But what is it that we do, exactly? Roughly one hundred million acts of sexual intercourse take place every single day around the world, according to the World Health Organization. That’s a whole lot of action for all of humankind in such a short amount of time. You might think all these moments spent with lips locked, breaths hitched, and limbs entangled would make our lot intimately familiar with the throes of passion. Yet you find yourself here, reading this article in vague confusion. Sex has always been quite a mystery to you. Ever so tantalizing but out of reach— a seemingly forbidden pleasure behind closed doors. They say it’s something that we just know out of our basest instincts. But the uncertainty lingers. Could it be that you’re simply torn between what you think it is and what others say it should be? The naked truth Let’s admit it: Sex is hardly anything new. Birds do it. Bees do it. And for all we know, a pair of single-celled blobs in the primordial oceans over half a billion years ago was the first to get it on. So what's the big deal? Well, it's one thing for sex to be merely a bonding process between two organisms for the sole purpose of passing down their DNA. It’s another thing altogether to consider the blissful release of orgasm, a sensation unique to humans alone. It’s in this physical and emotional pleasure we find that makes the act less about creating offspring and more about satiating our carnal cravings, regardless of the reproductive consequences. Perhaps this is how sex can be best defined if we consider most people’s perspectives, after all. Doing the deed is, by evolutionary design, a thrilling experience. Our sexual desire surges beneath every inch of our skin. We’re compelled to act on this desire. If all goes well, it’s punctuated by the much-awaited climax. But is that all there is to it? Not quite. The truth is, our sexual appetite isn't shaped by our hormones alone. What we find physically appealing can also be determined by our own culture. That's because as intelligent beings, we've learned to place this basic activity within the context of our wider society. No wonder sex is a much more exciting yet complicated affair among humans than other animals. We've got history If we account for how the world’s population has grown since 98,000 BC, human beings have probably had sex for about 1,200 trillion times to date. So it’s worth looking into how it’s been all those years for the ones that came (quite literally) before us. ANCIENT GREECE They might not have been the first, but we might as well thank the Greeks for coining the term orgasmus for that overwhelmingly pleasant feeling you get from the deed. Greek lesbians were called tribades. It’s also a verb which means “to rub,” as an obvious reference to how they usually got intimate. Not to mention, their civilization gave rise to the sexual words aphrodisiac, eroticism, and homosexuality, to name a few. They even regarded the latter so positively that they considered it as the highest form of morality. ANCIENT ROME The Romans had also built a guilt-free culture around sex. For their part, women held celebrations in the name of Bacchus, the Roman god of wine and fertility. These were called the Bacchanalian festivals, during which female devotees immersed themselves in nights of ecstasy. That’s not to say that the Romans did not practice restraint. As early as this period, humans have already started developing contraception, though in the strangest ways. Mouse dung liniment or pigeon droppings in oil, anyone? RENAISSANCE PERIOD Though this occurred centuries later, you could say that the Renaissance is reminiscent of Greece and Rome at their peak. It was a time of liberation, and the dominant culture encouraged people to enjoy their sexuality instead of regarding it as something inherently wrong. Homosexuality was widespread and even accepted in certain circles— some of the most prominent examples include Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo. It also became so much easier to access adult content, thanks to the invention of the printing press. VICTORIAN ERA However, things changed abruptly by the turn of the 19th century, when most people began to view sex as something to be enjoyed only by men. Many women were expected to uphold the notion of purity, and young virgins became a prized commodity more than ever. The double standard becomes more evident in cities like London, which became home to as many as 80,000 prostitutes during those times. Fortunately, the latter part of this period started to shift the discourse towards a more positive direction. Sexologists like Richard von Kraft-Ebing and Havelock Ellis emerged to define and recognize the nuances of sexuality. Their works led to what we now know as our sexual orientation. MODERN AGE Today, women like us are confronted with conflicting messages about what sex is supposed to mean for us. On the one hand, we’re restrained by our conservative roots to feel free to explore our own sexuality. On the other hand, we get bombarded by hypersexualized messages that dictate what passionate sex should be, only to make us feel disconnected from our sensual experiences. Still, we shouldn't let that stop us from learning and understanding more about what is simply our natural need as a human being. And we could go on and on about how other people before us have defined it, but we won’t be able to get close to encapsulating what it truly means. The best way to know what sex truly is... well, just doing it. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) WHAT IS SEX? The scientific definition might point to how it’s a bonding process between two organisms for the sole purpose of passing down their DNA, but that’s not exactly how it works for humans. To us, it’s more like an intimate contact that we seek to give one another physical and emotional pleasure. WHY DOES SEX FEEL SO GOOD? The bliss that comes with sex is mainly our body’s reaction to stimulation. Whenever we’re touched in a certain way, our nerves send signals to our brain, which in turn creates a rush of hormones like oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. But why this happens to human beings and not any other species is anyone’s guess. HOW DOES OUR CULTURE AFFECT OUR SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? The context in which we are born and raised could have a significant impact on the way we view sex. When we’re in a more conservative culture, we’ll most likely repress our own desires. But if we’re given freedom, we’d be able to develop a more wholesome relationship with that part of us. HAVE HUMANS ALWAYS ENJOYED SEX THE SAME WAY? Of course, sex hasn’t been exactly the same throughout the centuries. We lived in different times and varying norms. For instance, sex between tutor and student was encouraged among the ancient Greeks, yet most of them didn’t think love was a requirement for sex between married couples. IS HAVING SEX EVER A BAD THING? No matter what other people say, sex is perfectly natural. It’s alright for you to seek pleasure by being intimate with someone you trust, as long as this decision is made with mutual consent. What is never okay is to force anyone to do it when they’re not 100% comfortable and ready.
TYPES OF SEX
Types of sex: 5 ways of getting laid that you can explore on your sexcapade Saddling up, diving deep, or going downtown? Here’s a list of things you can do to get to your next sexy destination. You’re probably picturing the perfect getaway with your partner in your head: that brief moment of orgasmic bliss, irresistible yet ever-elusive. What does it take to reach that peak? You wonder if you missed something— perhaps your pace is a little too slow or much too fast, maybe you’ve made a wrong turn at one point. But you don’t have to worry too much about it, because we’ve got you covered! We’ll take you through five sensational activities that anyone can enjoy in the pursuit of sexual pleasure, whether you’re a first-timer or a more experienced partner: 1. Rub it in Hump day doesn’t have to feel unpleasant, especially when you’re spending the night with your beloved partner. Frottage— better known by its slang words heavy petting, outercourse, and dry humping— is the act of grinding or rubbing any part of your body, especially your genitals, against your partner. The term frottage comes from the French verb frotter, which means “to rub.” On the other hand, the word frot refers exclusively to penis-on-penis action. Whether you’re clothed in your favorite lingerie or clad in your birthday suit, this type of sex is anything but a dry affair. So giddy-up and jump on it to get off! 2. Lend a hand Sure, masturbation can be one of the best ways of self-care, but you don’t always have to do it alone. You can also engage in mutual masturbation with your partner and enjoy that picturesque view. That could involve either stimulating yourselves in front of one another (non-contact) or helping each other get their fill of pleasure too (contact). You can stop here if you don’t feel like having sexual intercourse or if you want to keep it safe without having to use contraceptives. Meanwhile, other people consider this as part of their foreplay, just to warm themselves up for the climax. 3. Get tongue-tied Your hands aren’t the only parts of you that’s going places during the deed. After all, your partner can also head downtown and give you some oral sex by stimulating your genitals using their mouth. To be more specific, titillating the senses of your clitoris using one’s tongue is called cunnilingus, while the proper term for the blowjob is fellatio. (Quite a mouthful, we know!) Meanwhile, the phrase “tossing the salad” refers to rimming or analingus, which means stimulating the edge of your butt. Nobody literally blows on the penis when they’re performing fellatio. Its popular nickname is most probably a shortened form of “below job.” 4. Thrust the process Many people think that intercourse is the best part of doing the deed, so much that they don’t consider it as actual sex when the penis (or sex toy) doesn’t penetrate the vagina in vaginal sex. That’s not true, though. While about 18% of women say that this alone is enough for them to hit it off, others still prefer clitoral stimulation. If you appreciate the warmth and fullness that diving deep has to offer, then that’s great! Let your partner know so they can learn how to make you feel good. Remember to play it safe too; this type can lead to unwanted pregnancy and STDs if you’re not careful. 5. Feel buttcheek-y Why stick to business up front when you could party in the back? You’d be surprised how anal sex or the penis-in-anus intercourse can provide you pleasure in its own special way. For the more daring souls, sex toys like butt plugs and flared dildos are specially made to kick it off in your backside. Of course, not everyone is a party person, and that’s alright. But if you’d like to try going through your backdoor, make sure that you drizzle a lot of lube on your peach since it won’t lubricate itself the way your vagina does! Do you have an idea yet of which one you’d like to try? No need to stick to just one technique; in fact, the best itinerary is one that mixes it up every single time. So grab your partner and off you go— there’s much to discover in your exciting sexcapade. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) IS IT TRUE THAT ACTUAL SEX ONLY HAPPENS WHEN THE PENIS GOES INSIDE THE VAGINA? Nope! A lot of sex might involve intercourse or vaginal penetration, but that doesn’t have to happen for you to get laid. In fact, many couples that aren’t hetero get it on in other ways. Whatever your sexuality is, you can always explore techniques like dry humping, mutual masturbation, oral sex, or anal sex. WHAT DOES FROTTAGE MEAN? You might know this more as dry humping when you rub your body (especially your genitals) against another surface. In this case, you and your partner will be grinding against each other— feel free to consider it as your opening act or the main performance. Clothes are optional! DOES MASTURBATING WITH MY PARTNER COUNT AS SEX? Yep, mutual masturbation is definitely a sexual act. Whether you keep your distance or put your hands all over each other, it’s one steamy session to look forward to once you get over the shyness or pressure to look sexy. Trust us, there’s nothing like seeing each other taking the time to please yourselves. IS IT SAFE FOR ME TO ENGAGE IN ORAL SEX? There’s no chance of getting pregnant from oral sex, but you still have to watch out for some sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) that can be passed on through it, like herpes, gonorrhea, and syphilis. Contraceptives like condoms on penises and dental dams on vaginas and anuses can act as a barrier to infection. DOES ANAL SEX HURT AT ALL? It doesn’t have to! Experiencing pain during anal sex is most commonly caused by the lack of lubrication since your anus doesn’t self-lubricate the way your vagina does. So don’t knock it until you’ve tried it… and apply lots of lube (and love). HOW CAN I BEST PREPARE FOR ANAL SEX? If it’s your first time doing it, some spring cleaning could be in order. To be safe, you might want to try your DIY enema, which basically involves injecting warm water or saline up your anus to empty your bowel beforehand. The bottom line (pardon the pun): Always keep your peach squeaky clean! WHAT IF I DON’T LIKE THE IDEA OF DOING SOME SEXUAL ACTS? All the different ways of having sex can be fun, but only if you’re 100% comfortable with them. You shouldn’t have to feel pressured about trying out new stuff in bed when you’re not down for it. Explore at your own pace, and you’ll surely discover which one gives you the most pleasure.
HOW TO HAVE SEX
How to have sex: 5 amazing ways of getting to pound town tonight If you want to make the most out of your trip to that peak, take note of the only “to do (the deed)” list you’ll need. Let’s face it. Getting good at sex is like learning any other new skill, like cooking, painting, or hiking. No one really gets it right the first few times they try it. While trial and error is one way for you to figure out what works best for you and your partner, there’s no harm in seeking a little bit of help. You know what they say: A wise woman learns from her own experiences, but a wiser woman learns from the experiences of others. (Wink wink!) Without further ado, here are a few tips and tricks from ladies who have more or less made the most out of sexy time so you can do it too. 1. Don’t hit the panic button Hold up. Before you even start, you have to stop overthinking everything. That’s never helped anybody. All you’d be doing is writing a long, disastrous script in your head that only you will probably act out alone. Sex and orgasms aren’t the be-all, end-all of your time together. It’s very rare that your partner would nitpick every little detail while you’re together. (And when they do, they’re probably a control freak!) Just keep your head in the present moment and out of the ridiculous scenarios in your imagination. Take your mind off that unfinished task from work, at least for the time being. Sexy time will lower your stress enough to finish it later. According to one study, women find it more difficult to get aroused when they’re highly anxious. If you can’t relax, you won’t be able to enjoy sex as much. 2. Clear the air The best way to take a chill pill before your steamy sesh? Talk with your partner. If there’s anything in particular that you want to happen or prevent from happening, be open about it. Communicate your wants, needs, desires, and even insecurities. Tell them about what sex means to you, whether it’s casual or serious, monogamous or open. It’s best to keep expectations in check as well. You don’t even have to bring this up in the context of having sex. Any time when you’re alone and comfortable together would be fine. You don’t have to draw attention to it the moment that you match with someone on a dating app, either. But don’t forget to mention it before getting it on! 3. Dim the lights Looking forward to staging a better act? Get intimate and don’t skip the foreplay. Women need to be mentally and emotionally prepared so we can be more receptive to pleasure. So dim the lights, please. Play with the atmosphere to get into the mood. Cuddle in the dark. Whisper fantasies into each other’s ears. Get down and talk dirty. It’s not about the words you use but your connection and intention behind them. Say it best when you say nothing at all: Moaning is one of the best ways to let your partner know they’re doing you right. Don’t strip down butt-naked right away, though. In sex, just like in all the finer things in life, timing is everything. Drawing out every stimulus allows our mind to savor each sensation, sending us into a much deeper state of intensified orgasms. Sure, nudes can give us a rush of dopamine with a chance of oxytocin. But this feeling fades away quickly. Make them work for it a bit longer, and both of you will certainly be rewarded by a hard-hitting finale. 4. Mix it up Throw in some variety! While routine isn’t necessarily a bad thing— regularly making time for sex can help maintain a long-term healthy relationship— it’s nice to mix things up with new sex games, toys, or positions you’ve never tried before. Conquering all this unchartered territory may allow you to discover new sexual fantasies or unlock entirely new sensual experiences that would have otherwise just been ignored. If it doesn’t work out, at least you know what not to do next time. 5. Let’s get physical Time to stretch those pelvic floor muscles! Sexual fitness isn’t a very sexy topic that gets the spotlight, but it also deserves your attention. The exercise isn’t too complicated. Simply tighten the muscle that would normally stop you from urinating midway, then hold it for two to three seconds. Repeat ten times and try to do about five sets a day. The best part is that you can manage to do this anywhere without anyone else noticing. Women can even amp up the intensity of the workout by using Kegel balls! Now all that’s left to do is to put theory to practice. How many items have you ticked off this “to do (the deed)” list so far? Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) SHOULD I BE PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO HOW I LOOK OR WHAT I’M DOING DURING SEX? Hold it right there! You’re overthinking this, darling. Trust us, it’s very rare that your partner would nitpick every little detail while you’re together. Just keep your head in the present moment and out of the ridiculous scenarios in your imagination. HOW DO I SET EXPECTATIONS WITH MY PARTNER BEFORE SEX? If there’s anything in particular that you want to happen or prevent from happening, be open about it. Communicate your wants, needs, desires, and even insecurities. Tell them about what sex means to you, whether it’s casual or serious, monogamous or open. WHAT SHOULD I KEEP IN MIND WHILE I’M DOING THE DEED? Play with the atmosphere to get into the mood. Cuddle in the dark. Whisper fantasies into each other’s ears. Get down and talk dirty. And remember: In sex, just like in all the finer things in life, timing is everything. So take your sweet time in bed, alright? HOW CAN I SWITCH THINGS UP IN THE ‘BEDTIME RITUAL’ OF OUR RELATIONSHIP? Throw in some variety! While routine isn’t necessarily a bad thing— regularly making time for sex can help maintain a long-term healthy relationship— it’s nice to mix things up with new sex games, toys, or positions you’ve never tried before. If it doesn’t work out, at least you know what not to do next time. ANY OTHER TIPS ON HOW I CAN MAKE MY ORGASMS EVEN BETTER? Time to stretch those pelvic floor muscles! Just tighten the muscle that would normally stop you from urinating midway, then hold it for two to three seconds. Repeat ten times and try to do about five sets a day. Throw in a pair of Kegel balls in your workout to amp up the intensity!
FOREPLAY
How foreplay can turn up the HEAT for some delicious sex! Craving for the sweet and spicy flavor of pleasure? We prepared a generous helping of afternoon delight to satiate your appetite. When you order a full course meal, you don’t get to sink your teeth into the main dish right away, no matter how delectable it is. Any good cook would know the difference that a good appetizer makes. It whets your appetite, easing your taste buds into a more satisfying gustatory experience when the entrée arrives. Sex isn’t any different— it simply answers to another kind of craving. As you get your oyster shucked and donut glazed, digging straight into the big performance can leave you underwhelmed, or worse, painfully glutted. You don’t want to be reeling in pain just because you haven’t been thoroughly prepared. Even a quickie needs a little prelude. So how about we shed more light on foreplay for starters? A silver platter If it weren’t already obvious, men and women differ in tastes, especially in bed. Unlike the male variety, we can’t just cut through the sexual tension like a hot knife through butter. Foreplay is essential to female sexuality because our passion needs to be coaxed carefully before it can lead us to orgasm. This involves all sensual activities that build on arousal and therefore better sex— anything from spooning to sliding ice cubes down your back. Even slyly asking for the house specialty! Many scientific studies confirm that while men respond to attractive body parts almost instantaneously, women’s desires heavily rely on context. Your partner has to be willing to serve your clitoris with pleasure. As your primary sexual organ, it shares many characteristics with the penis as it also gets erect from blood flow. What’s more, the stimulation of this abundant bundle of nerve endings can get you turned on enough to lubricate the vagina; you’ll be ready for penetrative sex in no time. It doesn’t have to be purely physical in nature. We women also have a soft spot for emotional assurance. We’re more comfortable and in the zone when our partners make us feel special leading up to that defining moment. If they carefully prepare our body and mind for the physical and emotional aspects of sex, no sooner would they receive our satisfaction on a silver platter. On the menu What’s the recipe for the ultimate finger-licking appetizer? If you don’t know where to start, try to uncover your more sensitive erogenous zones first. And then, make sure to experiment with motions and gestures to fire them up. You can eventually mix and match your favorites to create an appetizer menu that both of you can enjoy. Switch things up every now and then when you’re in the mood for something new. Of course, feel free to follow it up with intercourse afterward. But if you’d very much like to host an appetizers-only party, why not go for it? Here are some crowd favorites to get you and your partner inspired: Tug on their lower lip with your teeth as you go for a deep French kiss. Run your fingers through their hair while your fingertips move down their back. Nibble on earlobes before trailing kisses down the neck. Fondle with the breasts; lick and suck their nipples. Caress the sensitive parts of their skin. Spank their ass. Rub her clit. Insert a finger or two inside her vagina, perhaps even up her anus. Use your teeth and tongue when your hands are full. Focus on the sensations that you’re arousing instead of pressuring yourself to get to an orgasm. You can go gentle or get rough, whichever you feel is more pleasurable. After all, matters of taste shouldn’t be matters of dispute. Italian chef’s kiss Can’t wait to turn that mouthwatering dream of yours into reality? We’re here to offer a few other practical tips and tricks from the experts to spice up your next sexperience: Complain when necessary. Nobody likes being in this position, but you need to voice out your concerns if you’re in pain or discomfort. It might indicate that you’re not aroused or even in need of medical attention. Make special requests. Everyone’s body has unique pleasure centers. Point out to your partner what lights you up, and be sure to ask about theirs as well. The only shame is a missed opportunity for sexual pleasure. Practice more patience. Many give up waiting for the climax when they feel like it’s taking too long. Some even fake it out of fear of disappointment. Just stick around; good things (like orgasms) come to those who wait. So the next time you’re out to enjoy a full course meal, resist the urge to skip on the appetizing foreplay. Instead, take the time to relish the taste of playful flirtation— you’ll find that they’re often more luscious than the main course itself. Bon appétit! Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS FOREPLAY? Foreplay involves all sensual activities that build on arousal and therefore better sex— anything from spooning to sliding ice cubes down your back. Even slyly asking for the house specialty! It’s essential to female sexuality since our passion needs to be coaxed carefully before it can lead us to orgasm. HOW LONG SHOULD IT TAKE FOR ME TO GET IN THE MOOD? Now is not the time to rush. Your foreplay isn’t an explosive bang that happens in a split-second; it’s more comparable to a pot of liquid slowly simmering to a boil. So take care to relish each and every sensation to bring wonder and awe into your experience! WHAT’S THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SEXUAL APPETITE OF MEN AND WOMEN? Many scientific studies suggest that while the majority of men are turned on by visual imagery of their partner and the act itself, women are more swayed by touch and outward displays of emotional affection from their partner. This is why some experts remark that for women, foreplay can start days before the act itself. I’M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR INTERCOURSE— CAN I ENJOY FOREPLAY À LA CARTE? Of course! What foreplay is for heterosexual couples can be considered as the main attraction for non-heterosexual partners. No matter your sexual orientation, you’re free to enjoy sex the way you want it. After all, matters of taste shouldn’t be matters of dispute. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE FOREPLAY A DELIGHTFUL EXPERIENCE? First, you have to find your more sensitive erogenous zones. Then make sure to experiment with motions and gestures to fire them up. Mix and match your favorites to create an appetizer menu that both of you can enjoy. Most of all, practice proper etiquette: make special requests and stay patient!
INTIMACY
How intimacy in sex can keep the fire burning in your relationship Your sexual encounters don’t have to go up in smoke every single time. Here’s what you can do to stay warm long after the initial spark. It’s one thing to have great sex. But it’s another thing to make love. You’ve come to dream of the passionate kiss that leaves you breathless. How you yearn for the gentle caress wrapped with tenderness— if only you can spend the night with someone you adore with all your heart. More than a mere progression of physical sensations, sex to you is an unforgettable experience laden with emotions. It has to be rooted in a deeper commitment and connection with your partner. Fortunately, this isn’t simply an overused plot device in romance novels. Intimacy is real, and it breathes more sensuality into sex and relationships. Can’t fight the feeling Love and sex are two irrefutable needs of humankind that we recognize yet do not fully understand. No wonder their charm lies in how the experience is mostly left to the imagination. But what we do know about them is how they involve cognitive, physiological, and neurological factors that deeply intertwine with the volatility of human emotions. Sexual attraction cannot exist in a vacuum— it is a fire that blazes in the hearth of context and attachment. Intimacy can be plotted on any point on a continuum, one where you’re completely closed off on one end then unconditionally open on the other. When you’re closed off, any sexual experience is tense, detached, and cold. Your mind is anywhere but the present moment. But when you’re open, you’re relaxed with your guard down; you’re able to take in what’s right in front of you without a hint of wariness. Friends with benefits ironically lack the main component of real friendship: openness. Feel free to talk about anything but your relationship status. The more you allow yourself to feel, the more you’ll grow closer to your partner in your relationship. Intimate sex can serve as an essential bonding process that will even help you relieve stress. This warmth ignites the flames of desire, along with a longer life, improved physical health, and most importantly, an inner sense of calm and peace. The faces of intimacy Each one of us is a multifaceted being capable of complex thoughts, emotions, and actions, all of which make intimacy a subtle and diverse catalyst of relationships. That’s why, if you hope to improve your intimacy with your partner, it’s best for you to get acquainted with its many forms first. EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Emotional intimacy deals with how honest we are with our feelings and things that matter most to us. The walls that you normally keep up around other people come crashing down as you bare the genuine version of yourself. It’s easier said than done, but you have to let your guard down around someone you trust. Then foster an atmosphere where your partner would also feel comfortable in their own skin. Open communication will make a huge difference— always tell them that you’re grateful for accepting you wholeheartedly. INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY Do you build on each other’s ideas, parry on the playful debate, and make meaningful conversation? Intellectual intimacy is all about figuring out what makes your mind tick. That is, if you follow the same mental metronome and the cogs whirring in your head are constantly in sync. Examine your core beliefs. Don’t be afraid to discuss things that you disagree on, but more importantly, respect your partner’s thought process. Relationships thrive when you learn to complement each other’s attitudes and perspectives in life. PHYSICAL INTIMACY The level of comfort you have with your partner’s proximity is defined by physical intimacy. Do you mind when their arm wraps around your waist? Will you hesitate to take their hand when you walk together? Can you look at your partner in the eye when you’re barely inches apart? This shouldn’t sit on the back burner of your relationship, especially when you’re past the honeymoon stage. Make time for it and turn it into a priority. Sneak in an affectionate touch, an unexpected hug, or even just a quick kiss— it doesn’t always have to lead to sex. EXPERIENTIAL INTIMACY Simply put, experiential intimacy revolves around quality time spent on common interests and activities. Whether it be as boisterous as cheering for your favorite sports team, as introverted as reading books in silence, or as weird as enjoying pickles with peanut butter, there’s always something both of you can do together. While men lean towards the physical and intellectual and women are more emotional and experiential, hetero couples can negotiate what works best. You can never be too busy or tired to make memories with your partner. Set some time for it every week; it doesn’t have to be grand or exceptional to be meaningful. What’s important is that you revel in each other’s company, without distractions. If you want to improve not only your sex life but also your relationship, then intimacy must be what you’re seeking. After all, honesty and fervor are bound to offer a kind of pleasure that’s unique to making love— a smoldering passion that lives on long after the initial spark. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS INTIMACY? Think of intimacy as any point on a temperature scale. When you’re closed off, sexual experience is tense, detached, and cold. Your mind is anywhere but the present moment. But when you’re open, you’re relaxed with your guard down; you’re able to take in what’s right in front of you without a hint of wariness. ARE SEX AND INTIMACY THE SAME? Although “being intimate” as a common euphemism for sex, the two are not interchangeable terms. To put it simply, sex is an act, while intimacy is a context. Both coexist in an ideal relationship, but the act can exist outside of that context, and vice versa. WHAT ARE THE TYPES OF INTIMACY? Intimacy can be expressed on an emotional (feeling), intellectual (thought), physical (touch), or experiential (time) level. You can have a glimpse of at least one of these in any relationship, even one that isn’t romantic or sexual in nature. But all four are essential in order to have a long-lasting relationship between couples. DO MEN AND WOMEN DEFINE INTIMACY VERY DIFFERENTLY? Generally, men are genetically and culturally predisposed towards the physical and intellectual forms of intimacy, while women tend to value emotional and experiential intimacy more. But of course, this difference isn’t clear-cut, nor is it a hard and fast rule. The more important thing is bridging the gap where it occurs. HOW CAN I BE MORE INTIMATE WITH MY PARTNER? Intimacy is a matter of building trust with your partner. Make an effort to know them more— what they think, how they feel, how they like to be touched, and what they’re interested in. Find common ground that is strong enough to overshadow any difference, and go out of your way to stay connected.
FIRST TIME SEX
First time sex - What to expect from start to finish! Sex can be awkward and messy the first time around, but it doesn’t have to be painful or uncomfortable. Her hair is artfully splayed on the pillow, small tendrils clinging to the sheen of sweat on her face. Her skin glows with a delicate rosy flush, and her lashes flutter in pleasure. Their hips move in the rhythm of moans and shaky breaths. As they collapse into each other after the climax— their faces inches away from one another— every limb settles into their own place in the tangled sheets. All of it seems orchestrated to perfection. That’s because it is. While romantic films are the most available option for first-timers, they’re not very true to life. That stirring scene probably took more than one take, an entire crew, and multiple camera angles to make it seem like the dream lovemaking session. But if you’re feeling a little anxious about having your own first time, we’re here to help you close in on doubts and develop more realistic expectations around it. First things first Most people think that the only way to “lose one’s virginity” is through intercourse. However, that doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone, especially non-hetero individuals. They can also include oral sex, anal sex, or even the use of sex toys to their own definition. For some, virginity means a lot to them, so they’re waiting for someone special. Others even want to “save it” for marriage. Then again, the matter can be a source of insecurity, especially for relatively older women who have yet to get it on. Ultimately, what matters is how much emotional weight you assign to your own concept of virginity. The desperation to simply get it over and done with— just because you think everyone else has had their fair share— can be overwhelming. But always remember that your body is yours. Only you get to decide what to do with it at your own pace. If you’re being forced into it by anyone, no means no, even as you change your mind halfway. And when you do want to engage in sex with someone, there’s nothing for you to lose… only much to gain from a whole new experience. In one survey of sexual attitudes & lifestyles, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men admitted that they were only pressured to have sex during their first time. Always be mindful of your sexual health as well. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner about any history with STDs or other relevant health conditions. Openly discuss your options for precautionary measures and contraceptives. Better safe than sorry! Nobody wants their first time to haunt them with medical bills. Just do it Your first time would most probably be summed up in one word: awkward. But that’s completely normal. Like any other activity, sex takes practice before you can get better at it— fumbling in the dark is part of the learning process. There’s a chance you might bleed if there’s penetration involved, but usually not enough to stain the sheets. That’s not to say your hymen’s to blame; this cherry doesn’t “pop” at all during sex. The blood and the pain, if any, usually comes from the vaginal lining especially when it’s not lubricated enough. If there’s one thing you should never forget during your first time, it’s how it all starts with a KISS: Keeping it sweet and simple. Allow yourself to just be in the moment and get comfortable. Savor every physical touch, but always leave some space for establishing an emotional connection. This way, you’ll be less anxious and more receptive to stimulation, which can eventually build up to the much-awaited orgasm. The finishing touch Nobody likes talking about post-sex cleanup, but it’s just as important. You can feel gunky down there from all the stuff down your vagina, not to mention all the bodily fluid that can make a mess on the sheets. Remember to keep a box of tissues or a clean towel nearby, and pee afterward to avoid getting a nasty UTI. You may also deal with a bit of soreness in your hips and lower body in general. That’s to be expected, especially when you don’t exercise often. But if you feel any lingering pain in your vagina or anus, have it checked by a medical professional. All in all, you’re probably going to be a big bundle of nerves before your first time, even after you’ve read through this article. It’s perfectly alright— your feelings are valid, so just let your emotions take their course. You can choose to take it slow and sensual to make it more special. But if it doesn’t work out the way you hoped it would, it’s not the end of the world. You can always do better the second (or third, or fourth) time around. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) IS SEXUAL INTERCOURSE PAINFUL THE FIRST TIME AROUND? When you’re having intercourse for the first time, there might be pain (and some blood) because your vagina is not as lubricated as it should be. You’re not yet used to the sensation, after all. Using lube can take the physical discomfort out of the experience. But if the pain persists, consult a doctor to address it. HOW ABOUT ANAL SEX— WILL MY FIRST TIME HURT? Just like first-time vaginal sex, anal sex can involve a little pain and bleeding not only for women but also for men. But slowing down and using a lot of lube before inserting the penis, fingers, or butt-friendly sex toys can ease you into this experience without getting hurt. WHAT’S THE PROPER DEFINITION FOR “VIRGINITY”? For some, virginity means they haven’t been involved in any form of sexual activity. But for others, it just means they’ve never had intercourse, even though they already had anal and oral sex. What matters is that you alone get to decide when you’re ready. You don’t “lose” anything; you just gain a new experience. WILL MY “CHERRY POP” DURING MY FIRST TIME? Your “cherry” or hymen doesn’t cover your entire vaginal opening the way most people imagine. It’s just a thin, flat tissue that loosely surrounds your vagina, so you won’t be hearing it pop during your first time. So never let this one part define the entirety of you— you are more than your “virginity.” WILL MY VAGINA BECOME LOOSE IF I HAVE SEX? Many people think that your body will change the more you have sex, but that’s not true. Your vaginal canal won’t get loose or feel any different. While you’ll experience physiological changes like a swollen vulva, flushed skin, and sweating, these are just your body’s temporary reactions to arousal. WHEN IS THE RIGHT AGE FOR ME TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY? In one survey of sexual attitudes and lifestyles, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men admitted that they were only pressured to have sex during their first time. The bottom line? The right time for you to have sex is only when you’re willing and comfortable to do it with a partner. WHAT IF MY FIRST TIME HAVING SEX DISAPPOINTS? It won’t be easy getting it right the first time. To be honest, a lot of other people didn’t enjoy their first time either. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doomed to bad sex for the rest of your life! Consider it a nifty excuse to try again (soon, hopefully) and get more practice.
SEX DRIVE
Female sex drive: Why slow and steady wins the race A woman’s libido may take its sweet time to warm up, but it’s always worth the wait by the end. You’re watching a movie with your male partner when a sex scene comes up. He’s quickly turned on by the mere suggestion of it, so his hands get adventurous soon enough. Sadly for him, your hands are still busy shoving chips in your mouth. It’s all Netflix and no chill for you tonight— you need to know what the main character does next. What does this lead to? Nada. You’re simply not in the mood for it. And it’s not the first time it’s happened, either. You start to wonder if there’s anything wrong with you. Are you depriving your partner of their needs? Or is he just being too horny too often? The slow start In reality, that awkward moment has a lot to do with your sex drive or libido. This describes your enthusiasm for sexual activity, whether alone or with someone else. It also influences your mental and physical well-being to a certain extent. The stereotype rings true to a certain extent: Studies show that men do have a stronger and more straightforward sex drive. It doesn’t take much to turn them on since male pleasure is pretty much linear. But for us women, things can get a little more complicated than that. The ancient Chinese compare men to fire that easily flares up, while women are like water that will take time to heat up but will also cool down slowly. That’s not to say that sex is everything a guy could ever want from you. They seek emotional intimacy in the relationship just as much as you do (if not more). We just don’t always see eye to eye on what sex is for. Women often think that intimacy has to be built before hitting the sheets. Meanwhile, men believe that sex is their way to build intimacy in the first place— it’s their own special way of baring their more sensitive and vulnerable side. The roundabout route It’s relatively easy to track down what fuels a man’s libido. A woman’s turn-ons? Not so much. Fortunately, we’ve been successful in spotting a handful of factors that can heavily influence our sex drive. SEXUAL RESPONSE There’s no doubt that a positive sexual response can increase our sex drive. But if Rosemary Basson’s model of sexual motivation is anything to go by, a woman’s path to pleasure is designed differently. For one, our motivations are divided into two: approach and avoidance. They’re two sides of the same coin. One focuses on pleasure and intimacy, and the other builds on your anxieties, like the fear of your partner leaving the relationship. Then there’s your context. This refers either to the situation during which you have sex (immediate) or the state of your relationship in general (influential)— whether it’s been long term, on the rocks, or gone the morning after. What goes on in our mind can make or break our sexual response, even when it has little to do with sex. A woman in a calm and collected mood is more receptive to arousal than someone dealing with stress or frazzled nerves. Last but not least, we have our sexual script, our expectations around the act. We would, of course, be closed off the idea of doing the deed when we see it in a strongly negative light. SEXUAL ORIENTATION How much does our sexual orientation weigh into what we find stimulating? Surprisingly little, as it turns out. In an unprecedented study conducted by Northwestern University, men and women of various orientations were asked to watch erotic films, during which their sexual responses— both verbal and physiological— were recorded. The men’s results were just as predicted. If they were straight, they liked male-female and female-female sex. The gay men enjoyed male-male sex. All of them simply gaped at the bonobos. Women, on the other hand, were more interesting. They got turned on by all forms of sex, even videos of chimps getting it on. However, their verbal responses were still more aligned with their sexual orientation. This only goes to show that men are more rigid (pardon the pun) about what stimulates them, while the female arousal is more fluid in nature even when her sexual identity is not. SOCIETY AND CULTURE According to social psychologist Roy Baumeister, women’s sex drives are more heavily influenced by their environment compared to those of men. Here are some of his interesting findings: Women take into account their peers’ beliefs and opinions on sex. Those with strict religious practices are more likely to be less open to the idea of sex. It didn’t necessarily make a difference for men. Cognitive dissonances between their projected beliefs and actual practices are more common in women than men. A higher level of education accompanies a wider variety of performed sexual practices. Education wasn’t even an influential factor for men. Their willingness to perform sex is more likely to change as they age. All these stark differences could be partly explained by the differing cultural and societal expectations for men and women, especially when it comes to sex. The quick boost Understanding what affects our sex drives is just the first step. These are a few concrete steps you can practice to rev up yours: Give a pep talk. Honesty and trust can build a stronger emotional connection between you and your significant other. Set aside some time for intimacy and sex. Make a pit stop. Don’t be afraid to suggest new things to try out. Foreplay, a new position, or even some sex toys can add some excitement to fuel your sex drive. Set in motion. Both physical and mental health can affect your sex drive. Exercise regularly, find better ways to cope with stress, and get rid of any bad habits like smoking and drinking too much alcohol. Our sex drive may not have a headstart, but that doesn’t mean we can no longer enjoy the ride entirely. Now it’s all up to you to get back in the race by applying this to your next “Netflix and chill” session. Movie marathon, anyone? Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS LIBIDO? Libido is the more technical term for sex drive, which describes your enthusiasm for and interest in any form of sexual activity, whether you’re all by yourself or in someone else’s company. It also influences your mental and physical well-being to a certain extent. IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A “NORMAL” SEX DRIVE? Doctors can diagnose conditions of low (hypoactive) or high (hyperactive) libido, which do suggest a rough benchmark for sex drive. But “normal” can also be relative to your partner. So long as you two agree on when and how often you get it on between the sheets, then there should be no problem at all. DO MEN HAVE A HIGHER SEX DRIVE THAN WOMEN? Studies show that men do have a stronger and more straightforward sex drive. It doesn’t take much to turn them on since male pleasure is pretty much linear. But for us women, things can get a little more complicated than that: Our sex drive is more dependent on the ebb flow of our menstrual cycle. WHAT ARE THE FACTORS THAT CAN AFFECT MY LIBIDO? Factors that can affect the sex drive of ladies like you are the circular nature of our sexual response, the fluidity of our sexual arousal, and the beliefs that we picked up from the society and culture we grew up in. WHAT CAN I DO TO IMPROVE MY LIBIDO? Natural ways of boosting your sex drive include fostering honesty and emotional intimacy with your partner, trying out new experiences, and taking better care of your health. When you strive to do these three things, you’ll find it easier to be open about the things that tickle your sexual fancy. IS IT SAFE FOR ME TO DRINK MEDICATION TO INCREASE MY SEX DRIVE? In many cases, medication isn’t necessary to improve your libido— try working it out with your partner first. If this doesn’t work out, or in the event that you find yourself being much less responsive than usual, consult with your trusted doctor to seek the medicine that will work best for you.
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BODY IMAGE
The understated beauty of having a positive body image Set your sights on a more beautiful and empowered you. Whenever you look in a mirror, are there things you want to change about what you see? You might be insecure about your weight, the excess fat on your stomach, your thick thighs, or some other part of your body. If you feel like this about yourself, you’re not alone. Body image issues are now more common especially among younger women, who are most swayed by popular media. According to psychologist Heather R. Gallivan, about 4 out of 5 women admit that they don’t like how they look. But just because it’s how things are doesn’t mean it’s how things should be. Do we really have to change what we look like to be happier and more confident? Or is there something else entirely that needs to change? Reflecting on body image What do we really see when we look at our reflection in the mirror? Body image doesn’t have much to do with our actual weight, height, or shape. Instead, it’s about how we think and feel about our appearance. And this picture we create in our heads? It’s subjective— strongly influenced by what we hear from our family, friends, and society. While anyone can suffer from a negative body image, this problem is actually more widespread among women. However, lesbian women are less likely to be swayed by such feelings than heterosexual and bisexual women. But the truth is, beauty standards the world teaches us aren’t even as objective or consistent as you think. It would only take three minutes for you to watch “Women's Ideal Body Types Throughout History” and realize that throughout three millennia, humankind has placed a diverse set of figures on a pedestal in various cultures. And why look further when we can see this in our own country’s culture? A Cut episode of the Philippines’ “100 years of beauty in 1 Minute” features how our standards have been influenced by Spanish, American, Japanese, and Korean influences mixing with our own through the decades. Women’s bodies come in all shapes and sizes. To find beauty in diversity, we must learn to admire each and every physique, including our own. As it turns out, the “ideal” female body is a myth. So instead of running after beauty trends that change year after year, why can’t we stop and accept the way we are now? Smoke and mirrors While the image of perfection has always changed as time passes by, the societal pressure on women to look picture perfect has remained constant. In this day and age, you’re probably used to seeing this era’s “It Girl” through both traditional and digital media. We’re constantly bombarded by photos of female celebrities maintaining a youthful face and supple skin way past their prime. Or updates of female influencers promoting the latest diet fad or exercise routine. The messages you’ve been getting are more confusing than ever: be skinny but healthy, and have large breasts and backside with a toned stomach. It’s hardly fair for most women. Truth be told, the weight criterion alone has become so hard to attain that it could only be achieved by less than 5% of the female population. The media rarely shows us the plastic surgery or photo manipulation required to meet these crazy standards. The scientific consensus points towards how these messages frequently bring about body image dissatisfaction. And yet, they are just coming from corporations who tell us we’re not enough because they want to sell us something— clothes, skincare, or other products that take advantage of our insecurities. As a woman, you get to control your own body and self-worth. Don’t let society dictate what you should look like or how you should act to be liked. This is how society can alter the perception of women, which is why you end up frowning at your reflection in despair. But you’ve been gazing at smoke and mirrors all along. Why is it so important to develop a positive body image in spite of what the media tells us? Body satisfaction makes you less vulnerable to mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. A positive body image brings about your emotional well-being, since self-esteem is the biggest predictor of body satisfaction. Body satisfaction would also mean a higher sexual function, which means better sex and more orgasms for you. A Canadian research found that women with a negative body image had difficulty achieving arousal and orgasm. It’s never too late to change the way you see yourself. No matter what others might think, all women are beautiful in every shape and form. We should be free to love our bodies the way they are and enjoy sexual pleasure the way we want. Thinking body positive The time has come for us to rethink the way we look at ourselves in the mirror. Women of all shapes and sizes are worthy of appreciation. So instead of wanting to change what you don’t like, you can start by embracing who you truly are as a person. Body positivity is all about understanding your own worth, caring for your body, and not punishing yourself for not looking a certain way. It’s also being more comfortable in your own skin, despite other people’s opinions. Women who don’t like their own naked body will find it difficult to get intimate with someone else. Be kinder to your reflection. Nurture your body knowing that you are deserving of love. When you appreciate even the changes in your appearance through the years, you will be able to deepen your relationship with your partner and, more importantly, yourself. So what are some small things you can do to appreciate your own silhouette? Get your body moving. Cherish the moments when you run, laugh, sing, dance, or dream. Your body may not look “perfect” doing these things, but you can still be grateful for how it helps you achieve your daily goals. Reframe the big picture. Mainstream media often has its own ideas of what it means to look beautiful. How about discussing this with your friends? You’d surely discover how much these images and messages are far off from reality. Make a list. Write down everything that you like about your body. Have your trusted friend or partner help out if you like, so you can go back to the list every time you need the motivation. Find your role models. Surround yourself with influencers who have a body shape or type similar to yours. One Instagram experiment demonstrates how women felt instantly better about themselves right after viewing body-positive posts. Sexy you around. Being comfortable in your own skin also involves wearing what makes you feel good about your body. Sexy lingerie isn’t off-limits at all—there’s always one that suits every body type! Unlearning your negative thoughts and feelings about your own body may be difficult, but it’s not impossible. After all, body positivity is about challenging society’s narrow assumptions to adopt a more inclusive idea of beauty— one that includes the woman you see in the mirror. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) What is body image? Body image is how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror. This can include what you think about your height, weight, and other aspects of your physical appearance. What people say about you or other societal expectations can also affect how comfortable you are in your own skin. Why is it important for women to have a positive body image? A positive body image promotes good physical and mental health among women. That’s because having good thoughts and feelings about yourself makes you less likely to develop anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other forms of mental illness. It also enables you to develop a healthy lifestyle for a confidence and self-esteem boost. What are the causes of negative body image? Scientists cannot pinpoint a single cause, but there are several factors that can make you prone to developing a negative body image. These include being overweight or underweight, getting bullied for your appearance, and absorbing unhealthy images or messages about “ideal” body types from the media. Are women more likely to have a negative body image? Unfortunately, yes. Studies show that while all genders can suffer from body dissatisfaction, women tend to be least happy about their appearance, regardless of age or ethnicity. Experts say that this is mostly due to the unrealistic portrayals of women across all forms of media. How can I have sex with my partner when I'm not confident with my body? Sex is more than just a physical activity. The emotional connection you share should make you attractive and desirable no matter how you look, so don’t sweat it! More than anything else, sex is only one way for you to show your love and appreciation for each other. What can I do to improve my body image? There are many things you can do to improve your body image. However, it all boils down to accepting your own body and listening to voices of encouragement. These won’t instantly get rid of your negative thoughts, but they’d help you develop healthier thought patterns towards a positive body image. What if my partner doesn't like the way I look? You have to voice out your concerns when your partner makes you feel bad about your body. Talk to them about how you’re currently working on accepting yourself and that they should be willing to help you in this process. If nothing changes, then it’s probably time to reconsider your relationship.
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Female Sexuality
How you can stop seeing female sexuality as a guilty pleasure There’s no shame in exploring who you are and what you desire. Just come as you are! Growing up, you’d probably been told that female sexual desire is something indecent, unacceptable, or even unthinkable. You were raised to think that women shouldn’t be seeking pleasure at all, even when men are expected to have an insatiable appetite for sex. But the truth is, sex affects your health and well-being just as much as men. And it’s not just the physical pleasure that you’re missing out on. Whenever you achieve orgasm, you also get to reap the benefits of stress relief, good sleep, clear skin, and so much more. Despite that, do you know that in recent surveys, only about 6 out of 10 women say they usually or always achieved orgasm during sex, compared to 9 out of 10 men? This earth-shattering 30% difference is what experts now refer to as the orgasm gap. We clearly aren’t getting the pleasure we deserve. So how do we begin empowering ourselves as women during our most intimate experiences? Here’s a taste of all you need to know about your own sexuality and femininity. Food for thought Why do we have to talk more about female sexuality in the first place? It might be easy for people to dismiss it as a simple urge or impulse that must be controlled, but there is more to sexuality than just the act. Sexuality is your intimate understanding of your physical attractions. It is all about being in touch with your emotions and sensations. This isn’t the same as your biological sex, which is decided by the physical characteristics you are born with. Sexuality also isn’t your gender or how you identify yourself in society. When it comes to your sexuality, there is no right or wrong answer. Only you can say what feels right for you. Same sex? Not always Unlike what most people think, your sexual feelings and behaviors aren’t always heterosexual or towards the opposite gender. You can be homosexual, someone attracted to the same gender. If you feel attracted to more than one gender, you’re either bisexual or pansexual. It’s even alright to be asexual when you aren’t attracted to anyone else. Sexuality isn’t fixed either. Yours can change as you mature, especially from late adolescence to your late 20s. A study published in The Journal of Sex Research proves women are more likely to be sexually fluid than men, with 1 out of 6 ladies identifying as “emerging bi” or “emerging lesbian.” “[Female sexuality] is about our relationship to the senses. It's about slowing down, listening to the body, coming into the present moment.” —Sarah Barmak To explore your own sexuality is to discover more of who you are and what you desire. And by being aware of all these, you’ll be able to connect better to yourself and your partner without getting held back by guilt. The body talk As women, why do we know so little about how our own body experiences sexual pleasure? That’s because science has been restricted by social conventions that frown upon women for wanting sex. Society strongly believes that women aren’t made to have physical desires the way men are. And while things are better than before, there is still much for us to learn. The full anatomy of the clitoris was discovered and mapped by urologist Helen O’Connell only in 1998, nearly three decades after Armstrong walked on the moon. Fortunately, with women being part of the discussion, we’re starting to unravel the hidden truths of the female body. For instance, how the clitoris is your primary sex organ. What the vulva really is. Where to find the G-spot. Why the vagina is more than just a vessel for a penis. And the best-kept secret to enjoying great sex? It’s all in your head. So what health benefits do we get from indulging in our own sensuality? Sleep tight. Feel-good hormones like oxytocin released during sex are enough to make you fall asleep quicker and stay asleep longer. According to sleep scientist Michele Lastella, 64% of couples say they slept better after their orgasm. Keep calm. Getting too stressed out? One research has proven that orgasms inhibit the release of cortisol, the stress hormone, among most women. Release tension. Studies show that playing under the sheets is a good exercise to relieve both sexual and muscle tension. You can even lose about 3.6 calories a minute if you keep the fire burning. Glow up. If people compliment you for having a post-sex glow, they’re not lying. Dermatologists say that orgasms are good for your skin since they increase blood flow and prevent period acne. Come to life. As it turns out, climaxes strengthen your immune system and reduce the risk of heart diseases. Not to mention, as per Howard S. Friedman Ph.D., sexually satisfied women tend to live longer than those who are not. Coming full circle Does all this mean that female sexuality is straightforward? Not quite. Unlike male pleasure, the path to female pleasure isn’t linear. Just take it from Dr. Rosemary Basson and her circular model of female sexual response. There’s a difference between desire and arousal. Desire refers to the emotional craving for sex, while arousal is the physiological reaction of the body when sexually excited. Basson explains that there are many ways women can feel sexual arousal apart from desire, such as motivation or context. Your body also gets satisfaction from one climax, multiple climaxes, or even no climax at all. What matters most is defining your pleasure in your own terms. With all that in mind, how can your sexual experience come full circle? These are some good ideas for you to try: Go solo. Before anything else, find out what gives you pleasure by exploring your body. What feels good to the senses may be different for every woman, so don’t feel pressured to act a certain way. Just come as you are. Tips and tricks. Ask trusted experts or friends. Read and reflect on your own sexuality. There are many opportunities to learn, so long as you’re approaching the subject with an open mind. Lay bare. Communicate with your partner about how you like to be touched. That way, sex will become a more enjoyable experience for both of you. Toy with sex. Discover the wonderful world of sexual stimulation by finding the best sex toy that brings you pleasure. Why not start your search right here? Now you’re one step closer to becoming more cliterate and discovering your body’s potential for pleasure. So feel free to savor your moments of sensual enjoyment by yourself or with your partner. Sexuality should be a woman’s finest guilt-free delight, after all. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) WHAT IS SEXUALITY? IS THERE MORE TO IT THAN THE ACT ITSELF? Sexuality is an intimate understanding of your physical attractions. More than doing the deed, it’s about being in touch with your body—all your feelings and sensations—to connect with yourself and your partner. Taking control of your own pleasure… now that’s empowering! SEXUALITY, BIOLOGICAL SEX, AND GENDER—WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE? While sexuality defines who you’re attracted to, biological sex determines the primary and secondary characteristics you were born with (male, female, or intersex). Meanwhile, gender refers to how you choose to identify in society (male, female, or nonbinary/genderfluid), regardless of sex. A person whose gender differs from their sex is called transgender. CAN I BE ATTRACTED TO SAME SEX OR MORE THAN ONE GENDER? Yes! It’s normal for people to be sexually attracted to the opposite gender (heterosexual), same gender (homosexual), more than one gender (bisexual), anyone regardless of gender (pansexual), or no one else (asexual). Whatever it may be, your sexuality is always valid, so don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise! CAN MY SEXUALITY CHANGE OVER TIME? Yes. In fact, changes in sexuality are more common than you think, especially from late adolescence to the late 20s. According to one study, women are more likely to be sexually fluid than men, with 1 out of 6 ladies identifying as “emerging gay” or “emerging lesbian.” WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT FEMALE SEXUALITY? Understanding female sexuality will have huge effects on the way we create expectations around body image, self-love, and relationships. More importantly, this will help us know what feels good and assert ourselves confidently when it no longer does. This ultimately redirects the discourse around consent in a better direction. ISN’T SEX MORE OF A MALE NEED THAN A FEMALE NEED? While it is true that men are more sexually driven than women on average, that doesn’t mean that women are prudes who never think dirty. Yet there’s at least a 30% orgasm gap between men and women! It’s definitely a basic need that nearly everyone has but nearly enough get. WHY CAN’T I ORGASM AS EASILY AS MY MALE PARTNER? When it comes to sex, people assume that both men and women get satisfaction only from intercourse. But that’s not true! The majority (73%) of women actually need or prefer clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. If you’re finding it more difficult to orgasm, it’s probably because your clitoris isn’t getting enough attention. WHAT ARE THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF ORGASMS? Studies show that the grand finale of sex has its benefits. By releasing a concoction of feel-good hormones such as estrogen and oxytocin, orgasms can relieve stress, improve sleep, relieve muscle tension, make skin glow, strengthen the immune system, and many more! ARE ALL WOMEN CAPABLE OF HAVING MULTIPLE ORGASMS? Yes, women’s bodies are actually capable of having several orgasms in succession. Unlike men, who cannot ejaculate within a long refractory period, women can shake things up once again after even just half a minute. Slow and steady does the trick! HOW MUCH SEX IS TOO MUCH? Sex isn’t inherently bad. You can have sex every day without it being harmful. However, it becomes a compulsion (i.e. hypersexuality) when you’re using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism for life problems, and when either party feels unsatisfied by the arrangement.
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