If you’ve ever faked an orgasm, you’re not alone. In a survey, 68% of women said they pretended to climax, which is much higher than the 27% of men who admitted the same. The survey also broke down the numbers of when women fake it:
- 28% with a one-night stand
- 26% in a new relationship
- 31% in a long-term relationship
- 15% after marriage
For women who admitted to their partner that they were faking it, 60% would pretend again with the same partner!
That’s a lot of faking it without ever making it.>
So why do women do it? To avoid appearing “abnormal,” to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings, and to build their partner’s ego are some of the commonly mentioned reasons, according to Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate.
Whether you didn’t orgasm or you just didn’t enjoy sexy time, you might rationalize bad sex by thinking that if it was good for him, it was good for you, too. This kind of thinking goes back to how women are raised to be perfect and desirable and to put their value in other people’s hands. It may not seem traditionally desirable to come clean that you didn’t orgasm and possibly hurt your partner’s ego. But a partner who’s truly worth it will want you to feel satisfied just as much as he does.
One thing that could greatly help close the orgasm gap is to squash the idea that women should climax from intercourse alone. Media, pop culture, and porn create this idea that intercourse is the holy grail of sex and a few thrusts can make a woman orgasm. Mintz even calls out women’s magazines that advise certain positions like woman on top. “This makes matters worse because it implies that all women can orgasm during intercourse if only they do it right.”
But there’s simply no “doing it right” because research has shown time and time again that women need other kinds of stimulation to climax. Just take a look at the numbers:
- Only 18% of women climax from just vaginal intercourse
- 36% said intercourse with clitoral stimulation helped them orgasm
- 69% said oral sex feels “very pleasurable”
- 59% give oral sex but only 44% get it in return
- It takes 3 minutes for women to orgasm by masturbating…
- And 10 to 20 minutes to climax through intercourse—almost twice as long as men (7 to 14 minutes)!
Even though these are averages and your experience may be different, these numbers are supported by the natural design of women’s bodies. As mentioned, the clit is a super pleasure zone and twice as sensitive as the penis. Intercourse alone bypasses that hot spot, going straight for the vagina.
Quick anatomy lesson: What most people call the vagina is actually the vulva, which is the anatomically correct term for the external parts of your genitals, including the clitoris. The vagina is actually inside; it’s the canal that connects the vulva and the uterus. It does a lot—it’s where the penis goes during intercourse, where menstrual blood flows, and where a baby would pass through during childbirth.
Back to intercourse: the vagina doesn't have a lot of nerve endings, so it’s not as sensitive to pleasure as the clitoris—far from it, in fact. This is a good thing because childbirth would be way more painful if that’s the case! But this explains why clit stimulation is so important. Intercourse alone can stimulate the inner part of your clit—remember, it’s a larger structure that’s partly internal—but that’s no match to the 8,000
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Not in the mood for sex? It’s normal
Have you ever been at work when you feel the urge to have sex out of nowhere? Have you ever felt not in the mood but then your partner starts whispering in your ear and sending shivers down your spine? Have you ever felt totally non-responsive to your partner’s advances, no matter what he tried? Don’t worry—these are all normal responses that have a lot to do with how a woman’s body is wired. You may feel spontaneous desire, which is when you suddenly want to have sex without any sexual stimulation. This is a lot more common in men (75%) than women (15%), according to Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are. On the other hand, you may feel responsive desire, which is when you—you guessed it—respond to sexual pleasure. There are more women (30%) than men (5%) who identify with this type of desire exclusively. These numbers explain why your partner may initiate sexy time more often than you do. But hang on, maybe you’ve felt both spontaneous and responsive desire in different circumstances. This is totally normal—about 50% of women experience both types and 85% of women have responsive desire as their dominant style. Now let’s say you’re getting it on with a partner. You feel turned on, but you’re dry down there. Or it may be the opposite—you may not have the slightest interest in having sex at the moment yet you feel wet. Again, these are totally normal situations and the concept of “arousal nonconcordance” can explain what’s going on. Basically, the feeling of being turned on and how your genitals react are different things that have some overlap. For men, the overlap is 50%. For women, it’s a lot lower at 10%. The concept is that your genitals may automatically react to something sexually relevant, like the mention of sexual positions, but not necessarily sexually appealing to you. The key here is to value what you feel and think more than how your genitals react. Now what if you feel turned on and you’re wet, but you still feel some resistance? Nagoski says this is because your body has different sexual brakes and accelerators, according to the Dual Control Model. Here are some examples that you may or may not relate to. Sexual brakes that turn you off: Body image issues Relationship conflict Feeling obligated to have sex Feeling guilty or ashamed to have sex Trauma history Lack of sleep Stress Depression Sexual accelerators that turn you on: Your partner’s appearance or smell Novelty: a new partner, a new sex position, or a new sex toy Physical stimulation by your partner Visual stimulation like watching a sexy film Audio stimulation like hearing people have sex Making up after a fight Reaching a relationship milestone that makes you feel closer to your partner You’ll notice that these brakes and accelerators encompass sexual matters, yes, but also your relationship and your overall well-being. Each person has a unique mix of these, and arousal is all about turning on the accelerators and turning off the brakes. What’s interesting is that research shows that turning off the brakes is more important than turning on the accelerators. So things like romance, role-play, and erotic novelty are good, but getting enough sleep, unpacking emotional baggage, and working on body image issues are even better for most people.
Owning your sexuality is sexy!
The more you accept and love your body and understand how it functions, the more you can have a fulfilling sex life. To kick-start your sexual journey, here are a few things that you can try: Take a moment to thank your body for being the beautiful vessel that helps you move through life. Instead of sucking in your belly, gently stroke it and express gratitude for digesting all the yummy food you eat and nourishing the rest of your body. Instead of wishing you had smaller thighs, thank your legs for helping you stand and move around. Practicing daily gratitude can help you accept and love your unique and beautiful body. Look at your vulva or the external parts of your vagina. Seriously, when was the last time you got up close and personal with your lady bits? Get a mirror and look at every inch of your vulva. Take a diagram and identify the parts of your own vulva. It’s about time that you map out your unique landscape down there. Plus, you’ll now have an idea of what it typically looks like and you’ll be able to spot any irregularities. Explore your body. Aside from your clit, you have many other erogenous zones that can make you feel amazing. Try different strokes, levels of pressure, and other types of stimulation to find out what sets off fireworks for you, with or without a partner. List down your sexual accelerators and brakes. What turns you on and how can you fuel that? What’s weighing you down and how can you resolve that? Sometimes, just acknowledging the problem can offer immense relief. From there, you can figure out how to work through it. Talk to your partner. When you have a better idea of what turns you on and off, it’s easier to communicate with your partner about what you want and need in and outside the bedroom. The more you can explore and learn about your body, the more you can be comfortable with your body and tap into your innate sexual power. Your unique and beautiful body was made to feel sexual pleasure, not just to perform bodily and reproductive functions. It’s high time that you own your sexuality and enjoy what you deserve—sexual pleasure and satisfaction. You may ask yourself: Is the vagina the same thing as the vulva? No, what most people call the vagina is actually the vulva, which is the anatomically correct term for all the external parts of your genitals, including the clitoris. The vagina is the canal that connects the vulva and the uterus. What is the clitoris? It’s the only organ in the female body whose one and only purpose is to feel pleasure. The tiny nub that most people know as the clit is just the tip of the iceberg. Two-thirds of the clitoris is actually internal, and the whole structure is shaped like a wishbone. Do women really fake orgasms? Unfortunately, yes. In a survey, 68% of women said they pretended to climax, which is much higher than the 27% of men who admitted the same. For women who admitted to their partner that they were faking it, 60% would pretend again with the same partner! Why is it hard for me to get into the mood? Your body has sexual brakes and accelerators. Brakes that turn you off include body image issues, relationship conflict, feeling obligated to have sex, lack of sleep, and stress. Accelerators that turn you on include your partner’s appearance, physical stimulation, watching a sexy film, novelty, and moments that make you feel closer to your partner. Interestingly, research shows that turning off your brakes has more impact than turning on your accelerators. Why am I not wet even if I feel turned on? It’s because of “arousal nonconcordance.” Basically, the feeling of being turned on and how your genitals react are different things that have some overlap. For men, the overlap is 50%. For women, it’s a lot lower at 10%. Why does my partner initiate sex more than I do? There are two kinds of desire. You may feel spontaneous desire, which is when you suddenly want to have sex without any sexual stimulation. Or, you may feel responsive desire, which is when you respond to sexual pleasure. You can experience just one or both, and that’s totally normal.
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